Blatherings and other Bits
Unbelievably Interesting Crap About Me

Favourite hobbies:

1) Building villages out of Slim Jims (must keep dog away)

2) Leaf Blowing (one by one, using my mouth. I'm a traditionalist.)

3) Smoking catnip with my buds, Whiskers and Lucky (they can't roll joints, silly.)

4) Ordering super hot gay lingerie catalogues for my super homophobic, conservative husband. Leaving them in bathroom or on his night stand.)

5) Prank phone calling the few friends I have using various ethnic voices to confirm their order of ridiculous items from The Home Shopping Network.

6) Making homemade gifts, like psychiatric prescription bottle Xmas tree ornaments. (It's recycling and psychologically appalling- a tough combo to achieve.)

7) Painting wild squirrels in oil. (You have to move fast and the oil eventually washes off. It's just Crisco.)

Okay, here's some other stuff...

A problem: Disliking most people I meet, then wishing I had more friends, then when friends call me, I'm writing and I "vant" to be left alone.

And finally two silly wishes:

I wish I could do magical kung-fu type martial art stuff, like walk across tree tops or grocery ailses (and carry a wicked looking sword that is actually a cell phone.)

I wish someone would knock on my door and tell me they've been looking for me because I am actually the long lost sovereign of a small tropical island of enormous wealth (through tourism). My official duties would be to sip fruity drinks with visiting dignitaries and occassionally wave to happily employed natives. The rest of the time, I would swim in the sea, get cocoanut oil massages, read, write and travel to do something remotely charitable. It would take enormous grace but I think I've got what it takes.

Okay. That's all. For now, anyway. If you want to comment and share your unbelievably interesting crap, I am dying to read it!!!! Love, Catherine