Particularly Despicable Thingamubobs

Well, it only makes sense that my next entry should be of opposite theme and what's more delicious than blathering on about crap you like? Spewing off about all the crippity crap you just can't stand. The latter is usually a longer list, because let's face it, we're picky people, and given a choice between being right and being happy, lots of folks go for right.Thankfully, I'm pretty happy, regardless of my external circumstances. But I still have a lot of junk on my list. Mostly though, my fits of fury are always somewhat facetious. I like to get people's goat. Where in Sam hill did that saying come from? Who's goat got gitted and how many times did it have to happen before people used it as an expression? Same thing with Sam's hill. Where is Sam's hill? Has anyone ever been there? I wish I knew a guy named Sam. I'd find a hill and give it to him, taking a photo to commerorate the occassion.

Alrighty then, let's get this two bit show on the road, already! We'll start small. I find certain ticks and personal habits irritating. My mother-in-law does this thing where she sucks air through her two front teeth. I'm sure her tongue is involved in some way and it's annoying as hell. She lives in Florida, thank Dis. Another biggie that old men tend to do, is jingle change in their pockets.My husband does it as well. The old jingler. I will admit right here and now that I am hyper-sensorily sensitive. So, sounds, especially, like a mouth breather facing me as I sleep, will drive me insane. Tooth picking, burping and all other assorted gropings, passings, emissions,  scratchings, etc. and such are not for public consumption, in my opinion. Though there are definately exceptions. If a rat gets in your pants and starts to gnaw on one of your testicles, having mistaken it for a round of gouda, than, yes, immediate groping is in order.

I love children, my own, more than other people's, but kids in general are pretty nifty. What I despise are parents. Being a parent means I have to be around other parents. It's an automatic club membership into mindblowing boredom and conversations that will make you scream, I'm sorry. I have to leave now. I just remembered I left my uterus burning on the stove! I can't tell you how many times I have wanted to choke another mother with Cheez-its until she was on her knees dry heaving. Cruel but true. I simply cannot do trite suburban non-identity except through little Billy and Suzy's glorified existances. "Little Billy had to make a pee-pee yesterday and I was in the garden watering the flowers with the hose, and so I told him to go in the house to the bathroom.When I came in, I just couldn't believe my eyes! Little Billy was "watering" all the houseplants! (insipid giggle) Bob and I just KNOW he is really gifted, I mean, he made that association all by himself. He's only seven!" At that point I ask if they might have a bucket someplace handy. I get looked at funny and Billy's mother jumps up to go see. "You might want to hurry", I tell her, "I think I'm going to throw up, but I am in MENSA, so I can just use one of your houseplants, if you don't mind."

MENSA. Give me a break. Okay, next on my list: pretentious buggers. These can be some sneaky ass varmints. Very secretive. Unless they're of the loud, arrogant, bullying type- that's a different and dreadful group, but you can see them coming from a mile away. Sneaky pretense person pretends to be oh so down to earth. But watch her feet, she's tiptoeing around so no one will hear her or so someone will say, "Why you just move so lightly and gracefully, I didn't even know you were there." The M.O. of the pretentious person is to seem as if she is noble, thinking of others, motivated by altruistic aims and is ohhhh soooo humble. Here's where it gets hard for her. Humour. She has very little of it. Especially about herself. So in my anti-pretense testing kit, I carry a humour meter. Funny stuff will actually piss off the pretentious. It evens the playing field and makes everyone see things more honestly and say, oh, what the hell! Pretense wants everyone to care very much what everyone else is thinking. There must be judgement and a prize and there she will be, in the middle of the scheme, pleased as punch, grasping for glory and all the while feigning it really doesn't matter- for she is above it!

Them types a folks is plumb exhausting. I can't be around nobody like that unless I have been sedated and will nod off while they are speaking (hopefully I will drool, horrifying them) and they'll never come near me again. So, tricky people who are up to manipulation and power games- UGHHH- passive aggressives, especially! Gawd, just kick me right in the face, please! But don't do all that double speak back stabbing, psychological love shank shit. Me no can take it. Hate me openly and I will love you for it. At least I can then dismiss you for having no taste.

Okay, the next group of things are public nuisances and should be stopped at once. Speaker phone cell talking in restaurants. Are they kidding? I am sitting there attempting to enjoy a meal when a shrill ringing pulses, the table over picks up and I hear a muffled fog horn of a voice blast past me. Whoa. How can anyone think that's a good idea? It shocks me that an outside party always has to ask them to please stop. I mean, I would be so embarrassed if I did that. I'd leave the restaurant. Here's a familiar scenario for we women. We enter the ladies restroom. A perfectly groomed woman emerges from a stall. The bathroom is full so we enter as she exits. The toilet seat is splattered with urine. Question number one. Is her ass so lily white fine that she can't sit on the seat? Maybe use the seat protector or some tissue? Because what she's afraid of- germs getting on her precious body- she's just done to every woman coming after her. She has made that seat unsanitary for EVERYONE. Second question. What is wrong with her thigh muscles? My God, I can squat with the force of a sumo wrestler- is she too frail to hover over that huge hole and hit it? Send her a thighmaster for Sam Hill's sake. The final thing I dislike intensely is just a general rudeness and lack of manners displayed in public all the time. Men who drop doors in women's faces- frankly, I don't drop a door in anyone's face. But I'm talking common courtesy. The small and not so small niceties that make a day out in the world more pleasant and less stressful. It doesn't take that much energy to do it right. It's actually easier to be cheerful and nice than it is to be nasty and mean. I know it sounds pollyanna-ish, but I swear smiling, laughing and being nice are contagious. Even the crustiest old crab apple might surprise you if you don't let them get you down and just keep doing your "Hey, I don't care if the world sucks, I am going to enjoy every sucky moment!" thing. Somebody who smiles everyday is an oddity in this age. Be an oddity.

Finally, I really hate that my cat can't just talk to me. I have to make up the stuff he says and say it in this funny voice I made up for him. Sometimes I can tell, I've hit the nail on the head, and other times he looks at me like," Oh come on! That's you're own freaky human interpretation. Don't drag me into your neurotic need to believe I'm actually talking to you. I couldn't care less." Inscrutable creature. I love cats.