Welcome back, Jers...

Volume 4. This along provokes a look of envy as you come to talking to your normal Joe Civvie as he scratches his head, wondering what you are talking about. Yes, the continuation of the popular "How To Speak Like A Soldier" continues...

This is how to speak like a solider... volume 4!

Black (pron) - The Army has deemed to make things 'crayola', by describing their effectiveness by colors. Green is 90% or better. Amber is 75% to 89%. Red is 51% to 74%. Black is 'your pretty much fucked.' This has been around for quite some time. Probably made by some staff puke in the Pentagon.

4 To The Floor (adv) - Another euphenism to 'go to the mats' with someone. Also, 'taking it to the woodline', and a 'come to Jesus' meeting. This has recent popularity, and I think was actually accredited to a visiting wrestler.

I.T.G.A. (acronym) - "IED Tested, Government Approved." This interesting tag goes to the lucky soldier or truck who survives the effect of an exploding roadside bomb with out any noticable damage. Very recently created by a Pv2 who got his 'cherry popped' by an IED. Pronounced It-gaw.

Zonk! (v) - to zonk! Zonk is an unofficial military command in which means "get the fuck out of my sight, and hidden, as quick as humanly possible." It usually means that your off for a good period of time. The higher the unit, the funnier this is. We've gotten it to Battalion/Squadron level once, and seeing 500 mofo's running away in all directions is hilarious!

Anchor-Clanker (pron) - A sailor in the Navy. Other funny names are 'Sea-side Soldiers', 'Wish-wash Whites', and of course, 'drowned rats'. The author would like to express that he has nothing against the Navy, other than the SeeBee's suck, and who's dumb enough to go on a floating (or sinking) beer can?

Earning The Mountain Tab (please, no!) - A Fort Drum euphanism, to 'earn your mountain tab' is to do a woman of... epic proportions. Needless to say, you rather not boast about something like this... See 'How To Speak Like A Solder' about Water Buffaloes and Massive Martha's if you're still confused.

Hajj Shop (pron) - A mainstay and perk of every FOB in the middle east, the Hajj Shop sells everything from cheap cigarettes to illegally downloaded and burned pirated DVD's at fraction prices. For some reason, many of them try to pawn off their cheap jewelry, gaudy clothing, and pictures.

Barracks Whore (pron) - A woman who is more than 'willing' to sleep with a soldier, often going from door to door in the same barracks. Also known as 'bunk bouncers', 'bouncing betties', and 'syphilis sallies'.

Home Wrecker 6 (adj) - Orginally a name given to a female helicopter pilot in Afganistan who crashed her medivac chopper into a tent city pad, Home Wrecker 6 has mutated to a deployed female who sleeps with married soldiers, and blackmails them. The '6' is considered the command element. The original came from a friend who rather remain anonomyous, but the new one came from a female mechanic who was, you guessed it, a Home Wrecker 6.

Pvt. Murphy's Law (he's always there...) Of 'Murphy's Law' fame, Pvt. Murphy's Law is a comic strip that came in in around 1999, drawn and captioned by a (r.)MSG Mark Baker, who still continues to do them to this day. You can look up any of the comic strip on-line on Google. I promise to find an archive so your not buying the 4 books, which for $5.99, are still pretty damn worth it. Jersey recommends, they give a good insight into this little world I'd like to call the military.

Pvt. Murphy (adv) - "Anything that can go wrong, does go wrong". Pvt. Murphy is always that extra guy in your patrol. He hides your flashlight, He drinks your water. He kicks the perfectly undisturbed IED's. He's the one that is responsible for making you doing dumb details in crappy weather. He's always there, missing on your trip ticket. Always.

T.C.S. (acronym) The "tickle, cup, and suck" is the nick name for the "Task, Conditions, and Standards" that is the briefing for every mission. While I don't know who made the new one, I cracked the hell up when I heard it. I've used it ever since.

Eye In The Sky (adj) - A surveilence satillite. I'm sure you've all seen the movies, the "camera" that can read your license plate, and track your movement through buildings. Well, some of them are pretty damn impressive, especially since they're probably around 22,000 miles in the air. Actual details withheld, for load knows how good they really are, and if I knew, I wouldn't tell. 

$400,000 Poker Table (pron) - A Long Range Scout Surveilence System, otherwise known as the LRS3, or just called the L-RAZ. At almost hall a mill, it is one of the best devices I have ever used for finding the baddies. One night, we found another use for it when we had a deck of cards, four chairs, and no table. Thanks to a former roommate of mine, this one still gets chuckles out of me when I say I've 'played' on a $400,000 table, which in real poker, is the cashpot, or total winnings.

Hands Across America (adj) - A police call of large proportions. The Army loves making people picking up random bits of trash after a day of work, or a field exercize. "hands across america" is when we all get in a straight line across, and begin to do one of these trash hunts. Yes, they do blow. While I don't know who came up with this, it popped up within my time in the military. Hands Across Iraq has also came up pretty recently, and as you can imagine, sucks balls.

A-nee-jek (arabic) {pronounced Ah-knee-jeck} - 'Fuck you!'

People thank members of the military. While this wasn't always true, or even popular, it is good to hear that we are appreciated.

I was talking to my wife the other day, and it breaks my heart to hear her problems. The car's broken. Cat(s) sick. Some asshole feels the need to make facist remarks to her about being a military spouse and supporting her husband through 15 months of hell and frustration.

I made a comment on something she wrote the other day, what I call the "Waiting Game", what spouses (there are military husbands) do when their significant other is off overseas, be it the Middle East, Asia, Europe, or Africa. (Note: locations withheld) I told her I couldn't imagine what it was like, and how I didn't think I had the strength to go through something like that.

Imagine waiting at home, no husband (or wife) to come home to. Ever. All the problems, the misery, the stress; all yours. It's like being a single parent without the benefit of being single. Everyday, you see the pictures of your loved one, wondering if (s)he is all right, that you haven't talked in a few days, that maybe you got in a fight on the phone, now your wondering... wondering... wondering...

Stress feeds on stress.

Many of the soliders that are in my unit are married. Many for love, some for convienance, others for children. Yet we all face the same things, much like all our significant others face the same things. I don't read the Army Times, or watch CNN, because I fear that I will see a familiar face, or hear a familiar name. Can I imangine being in America, doing the same thing, but on a much more personal level.

My wife has this shirt, and on it is the print "Silent Soliders; the Heroes at Home". I so totally agree with that shirt. Being a military spouse has got to be one of the hardest things to do, besides not laughing at curling players. The long hours, the weeks gone, months gone, a year or so gone, the stress of work, waking up at weird hours for work, or picking up a drunk soldier. What the military member goes through, the spouse goes through, except without the paycheck.

If, by chance, you ever see a soldier and you thank him/her, remember to thank the one their married to. Because all us married people know, it isn't I, it's we.

Ever have that situation? That one where you know you're totally screwed, yet you somehow manage to put on an idiotic grin and somehow make it through, proving that God does indeed love a fool?

So here's mine...

We were in the local mayor's office for the largest city in our sector. The commanding officer wanted to do a 'meet-and-greet', along with several other officers and other self-important apparatichix. My duty was to make sure they didn't wander off and get lost, or get themselves shot. It's a full-time job.

So, the 'space ants' (plus yours truely) went into the mayor's building, and those wonderful officers went t the mayor's office to shoot the shit. My job was to guard outside a thick metal door that locked on the inside.

Alone.

Now I know what your thinking... "Army of One, and that rigamole, right?" I'm a big boy, I can handle myself.

Well, in this room were nine (I say again, 9!) armed Iraqi Police Officers, with pistols and AK-47's (all loaded, I might add), and me. When they closed that thick ass metal door, I was fucked.

Repeat: F-U-C-K-E-D

Every one of the faces of those Iraqi Police (IP's) was open hostility. 9-to-1 odds, with no other American in sight, was also not a plus in my book. I could smell them thinking, "They'd never know who did it. Even if he gets one or two of us, it's a scott-free kill." They knew it. I knew it. I was dead man walking.

Repeat: F-U-C-K-E-D

So what do you do? It's not like "worse case senario" comes up with hw to survive 9 armed pissed-off Iraqis all thinking the same thought (ie, kill the American.) Basic didn't exactally train us n what to do in cases of monumental failures where your ass will soon be grass. Reader, no shit, there I was...

...and then something happened. Right after that nauseating feeling of doom, before the fecal matter forces its way out of your rectum with alarming force, something happened. WWJD? Nope. WWCHD? (Chuck Norris) I'm not that good at karate, and I'm also wearing 20 kilos of armor and bullets. No, this time it was WWJerseyD?

Jersey opened his big goddamn mouth, like only he can (inherited from his father) and started telling bad jokes.

Within minutes, speaking crappy arabic, french, and farsi, I had nine armed men laughing their asses off. Nothing was taboo as I used my wits to fight for my life. Not my high-speed M-4, not my multiple knives (an attempt tp use any of these would have resulted in me being splattered), my goddamn bad humor. Next thing I know, I'm telling them I'm Canadian citizen who got lost on his way to college and somehow ended up joining the Army. After explaining to them what a Mormon was, I also told them I had 7 wives, 13 kids, and a third leg that dragged the ground. Oh, and I was a huge fan of Manchester United. It went on. I joked, I lied, I used everything I've heard in movies, TV, comedians, and whatnot. It was a craps game and I was rolling for my life.

When two other American soldiers showed up, it was twenty minutes later, and I'm convincing them that Iran really isn't as bad a place as Al-Jazerra says. They looked at me like I had gone insane.

Eventually, the IP's left, and it was us three Americans. My SGT asked me WTF, and I told him that in a million years, he'd never understand. He still doesn't. I told him to be grateful.

It's a thrill, looking at a house. You go to look at that new apartment, check ot that two-story wonder that finally passed escrow. Hey, it has a yard big enough for the dog and the kids?

My thill? Kicking the goddamn door down and raiding that bitch like the FBI.

It's every line animal's wet dream; the raid. Adrenaline junkie and action-movie thrill can't match wits with the form and flow of a bunch of men dog-piling a house like the defensive line of the Chicago Bears. Shouts, screams, the rush of feet moving as you barge your way in, like a man possessed. Sure, it's dangerous. But people don't parachute for the safety factor.

Of course, it doesn't help that I play "Flight of the Valkerie" by Wagner on loud on my truck as we go in. For a reference, watch Apocoylpse Now (the helicopter part). Believe me, that shit is intimidating, and motivating too.

Then again, I also got about half a dozen knives, a machette, and an extendable baton. I don't look like a soft target.

Back by (unpopular) demand! Throughout the years, military lingo has always inserted itself into normal civilian talk, until it is commonplace. You still see some Civil War, WWI, WWI, Korean, and Vietnam lingo floating about in the Webster's Dictionary, or out of your very own mouth. Here's a jumpstart for the next set of warwords.

Here's how to speak like a soldier... some more!

Snatchmobile (adj) - No, it isn't a 'pimped' vehicle that you and your buddies go out in to pick up women. It is a Hatch-Back Humvee with space in the back to toss in detainees. We can thank the men and women in the British Royal Army for this gem. It is priceless.

GhonnasyphilherpilAIDS (conglomerate) - A use-all name for the gift that keeps on giving; STD's. Only in the military could you joke about 'doing' a woman with a dose of the clap, or some other malady. 101st Infantry (Airborne) had a hand in this one. The Puking Buzzards had a smart moment!

Fart-Sack (pron) - A sleeping bag.

Queen Of The Year (insult) - A term you might find if you ever do service in Korea. This label is put upon the few women that go to 'Garry Owen', since after a while, no one will care how bad they look... (If I were you, I really wouldn't bring this one up in a normal conversation.)

Hajjie-Be-Good Special (adj) - Most soldier carry some sort of 'back-up' tool besides their personal weapon. Be it knife, machette, axe handle, asp-baton, tazer, or some other impliment of inflicting personal pain. Whenever the bullets run out (or some guy tries to blind-side you) the Hajjie-be-good Special is your next best friend. Thanks be to an anonymous SGT for carrying a damn katana on his back for this wonderful addition.

Wax (adv) - to wax; a euphonism meaning to take out something, or someone. Also; frag, bean, popped, and strangely enough, Halo'ed.

Task Force: Canada (adj) - A rather polite monkier meaning 'The fuckin Canucks'. Some less than polite soul out of OEF IV put this one out when the Canadians went to 'assist' them. Note: the author has no biased against the Canadians. He's trained with them, and only makes fun of the little pom-poms on top of their berets. They are rather rediculous.

See-Saw Sally's (adj) - An Iraqi whose loyalty is not only questionable, but buyable, on a whim, or only on every other Tuesday will he cooperate. See-Saw Sally's usually get a trip to some Iraqi Police station, which is not, from what I'm told, a pleasant experience.

Party Favors (pron) - a 60mm motar IED. So-named for the small popping noise and explosion they give.

Alaskans On The Move (adj) - An Iraqi, armed with an AK, running away. AK, short for AK-47/74. is also the state abbreviation for Alaska. 172nd Striker Brigade (Alaska) first coined this term. Prbably before they got involentarily extended.

Woobie (pron) - A blanket or some other cover to help keep warm, because you 'woobie' cold without it, wouldn't you? Again, thank the boys at Garry Owen for this one, since Korea gets damn cold.

Dropping Dimes (adj) - a 'dime-dropper' is someone who blames you for something... publically. To be ratted out, or another term for a stool-pidgeon. Jersey says stop snitchin'.

Squawk-Vox (pron) - A speaker set up on the outside of a Humvee, to translate English into Iraqi/Kurdish/Turkish/Farsi/whatever. Unfortunately, I've never seen one of these damn things work, all they do is squawk. Much like a New Jersey train station intercom system. See, I dropped a dime!

Dur'deki [duur-deck-ee] (Kurdish) - The Kurdish word for 'Faggot'. This applies to a good deal of the people that we unfortunately work with...

Yep, you guessed it! Straight from my mouth to this blog page are the subtle intracacies of the Army Lingo! So, hopefully, the next time you encounter a soldier, your mouth won't drop, making you look like a buffoon!

 Here's how to speak like a soldier... again.

Rat-Fuck (v) - to rat-fuck, to going through some package or goodies, and take only what you want, leaving the rest for some poor sucker. ex. PVT so-n-so just rat-fucked all the MRE's for some Skittles!. This one has been in use probably since C-rations...

Donkey Dick (n) - Not an enderment of manliness size, but instead, a fuel spout. Put it into a gas can and you can add fuel without spilling gas all over the place. Some poor civilian found this one out the hard way one night when I asked him "Do you have a Donkey Dick?". Lord knows who invented it, but you can imagine the implications.

F.T.A. (acronym) - Fuck The Army. You see this everywhere. Especially on porterjohn walls. Probably older than sin.

Bathroom Wall Blog (pron) - A porterjohn wall. In all such Army stalls, idiots have been writing stupid phrases, pictures of woemn, Chuck Norris jokes, how they hate everything, and the discription of their penis size, since porterjohns were invented. The term Bathroom Wall Blog is rather new, though...

Sham (v) - to sham; to get out of details, work, and anything required out of you.

90-mph Tape (pron) - Otherwise known as Duct Tape. This has been around for ages.

Jody (adj) - Jody is the guy who is with your girl at home while you are away. Jody is just that good. We all hate Jody.

30 Best Friends (pron) - A loaded magazine for an M-16/M-4, carries up to 30 rounds.

Ballistic Breach (adv) - to break into something with force. Doors, women's panties, hard-to-open containers. A 1SG invented this one, and says it every Friday, "Men, don't go performing ballistic breaches on liquor store doors or (a particular city)'s whores.

Dizzle (adj) - Can be applied to anything that you pretty much want. Like saying, "where's my shit?", dizzle = shit.

Iraqi Pothole (pron) - Yep, you guessed it, a crater hole. Made by IED's place on (or in) concrete. Probably invented in OIF I.

Furious Angels (adj) - Helicopters, mostly Apaches are known by this nickname. This name came up by (you guessed it) Army Air.

Roadkill (pron) - The Infantry! Poor dismounted bastards...

Iraqi Security Alarm System (adj) - Dogs. Dogs infest Iraq, loose running and not really owned to anyone. At nighttime they're always a pain because, of course, dogs see and smell better than us, and they're loud as hell.

Be All You Can Be. That age old Army motto, I thought, was one of the best that they ever came up with. IT says it all, and even says what isn't spoken. Great line. The motto "An Army Of One" wasn't too bad either, but "Army Strong" just plain sounds gay. It sounds like a thug with a paper bag with brains lording over the playground, bullying the small school children for their lunch money

Now if I could make my own commercial...

This stems from two different ideas. The first was a (former) soldier of mine, whose emptyheadedness was almost legendary. If you've ever seen the commercial with that young adult playing some "military" game shooting things, and one of the soldiers knocks on the screen and asks "Hey kid, you're pretty good at this. Wanna try the real thing."

That's what this bonehead did, thanks to the FPS America's Army. Except his was the AWOL Edition...

The second idea was when two comedians came to our base via USO. They were both great guys, and funny as hell. I got to visit them, and we were soon talking about "army commercials". When I got done bitching (which I was) one of them asked me that IF I could do my OWN Army commerical, what would it be?

Tables turned, I came up with this idea right on the spot...

(Sitting in a forest somewhere, late at night, you see a campfire going with six men sitting around it.

The first man is a Civil War (Union) soldier, wearing the blue uniform with a musket at his feet, stirring something cooking in a pot, probably some rabbit he caught. His slouchhat is jaunted to one side.

The second man is a WWI soldier, with faded green uniform, old Springfield bolt action, and a gasmask hanging from his belt. He is opening a can with a can key. He's got an old Doughboy helmet on.

The thrid man is a WWII soldier, some airborn guy with parachute pack, Garand or maybe a BAR, a steel pot, and some affiliation on his shoulder. He sharpening some stolen Nazi knife, helmet strap hanging down.

The forth man is a Korean Vet, with some cloth wrapped and tied around his boots, his uniform covered in snow. He is smoking a cigarette and warms his cold hands by the fire.

The fifth man is Vietnam vet, his BDU's covered in mud. He's got an M16A1, LBE, A helmet with leaves sticking out, and a c-ration with only the cigarettes taken out. He takes malaria pills.

The sixth man is a Desert Storm soldier, with DCU's (desert combat uniform, brown in style) with an M16A4, a new gasmask in a carrier, a ballistic helmet, gloves, and brown boots. He has many bottles of water around him.

From out of the bushes, you hear the noise of a branch breaking. All the soldiers look off in one direction, and in comes to the glow of the fire an OEF/OIF soldier, with body armor, improved ballistic helmet, M-4 hanging down in a tactical style, web vest with lots of pouches on his chest, eye pro, and ACU's. The other soldiers look at him, sizing him up, and slowly nod their head in approval. One of them points to an open spot by them, offering him his place in their group. He takes off his gear, sits down, and pulls out an MRE. He is now one of them.)

Caption: UNITED STATES ARMY: A COMPANY OF HEROES

Now, how's that for advertizement?

You're walking down the street, and you see a young man, with practically no hair save for some fuzz on the top, athletic build, and crude by nature. He swears, he drinks, he womanizes, and he has no taste or refinement whatsoever. Chances are, you just ran into one of the many people serving in the United States Armed Forces.

Soliers have thier own language. Even today, there are words that soldiers invented in WW 2, WW 1, and even the Civil War, in circulation in the English Language. Today is no different. There are many slang terms that a soldier uses, and none will appear in a Webster's Dictionary. Here's how to speak like a soldier.

Gank (v) to gank - To aquire, requisition, borrow, steal, or take something without anyone being the wiser. ex I need you to gank me some gas. An ode to OEF I, Task Force Afgan.

Lickie-Chewies (pron) - Snacks, be it drinks, candy, munchies, or other assorted goodies. See Poggie Bait. Credit goes to a SFC whose belly spoke about much knowledge on the subject of lickie-chewies.

Drop My Kids Off In [location] (adv) - A less-than-endering phrase, this has a wide variety of uses. The phrase itself refers to a man blowing his load (kids = sperm). Thank 3rdID for this brilliant tactful way of telling someone to shut the hell up.

Poggie Bait (pron) - Poggie bait is referred to anything that you would bring that you would want to have, especially in less-than-enjoyable situations. Drinks, food, digital music players, portable gaming devices, cell phones, etc, are all poggie bait. See P.O.G., and Fobbit. This one's been around for a while, at least since the early 90's.

Kentucky Long Rifle (adj) - An M-16. Since most everyone has M-4's nowadays, the now 43 year old rifle looks as ancient as an M-1 Garand. AKA the Black Beauty, the Rhythm Stick, and strangely enough, the Rubber Ducky. See Rubber Ducky. A recent term, probably from some Tanker or Scout, since their Basic/AIT phaze is in the great state of Kentucky

Femarine (adj) - A female in the United States Marine Corp.

America's Favorite Comedy Group (adj) - The United States Marine Corp. (Thanks to an old Ssgt from the Marines for these last two!)

Rubber Ducky (pron) - A fake weapon, meant for training purposes. They are suppose to weigh about the same as its real deal. As the name suggests, it is mostly made of vulcanized rubber. (A Drill Sergeant out of Benning gets this one, mid-80's. They also give Rubber Duckies to those they don't trust with real weapons)

Barrel Punch (adv) - A forward strike with a weapon's barrel, usually with an M-4. This term came up when somebody caught a teethful of M-4 barrel. Supposedly, this came from the Marines as well, but I've recently learned it came from the Air Force.

Space Ants (pron) - Higher supervisors, usually in reference to officers. Lord knows where this one came up, but it's funny as hell.

9-Iron (n) - A 9mm of any make or model. Came to in OIF I with the plithora of pistol models now issued.

Uncle Sam's Misguided Childern (acronym) - You guessed it! The USMC. This one's older than dirt. My dad probably knows it from his time in service during Vietnam.

Ker-fucked (adv) - Something just went terribly wrong. A modern FUBAR.

My New Best Friend (adj) - A newbie, or an FNG (fuckin' new guy), it is often the new guy who gets the details, the worst shifts, and the crappy jobs. The term is recent, the description is not.

Fugly (pron) - Fat and Ugly, this tasteful conglomerate exists due to a small town near Fort Drum, NY. This discription can be labeled to many of the women living there. (location disclosed do to the fact that the author of this, too, lives there.) AKA Water Buffalos, and Massive Marthas. This one's probably been around since Drum opened in the 80's.

NeerBeer (pron) - Non-Alcoholic Beer (what a oxymoron...). This term came up in OIF II, courtesy of the 1st AD, when they started allowing beer for consumption, if only less than 0.5% alcohol. (Alcohol, well, real alcohol, will get you in deep shit)

John Wayne Paper (adj) - A type of toilet paper that's tough, rough, and don't take shit from nobody. This one's probably been around since the Duke himself.

Chuck Norris Jokes (humor) - Since 1997, over 4,000 Chuck Norris jokes have been conjured, told, made up, and just plained exchanged. Anything from strength, beard size, manliness, endowments, and other bizarre non-facts, Chuck Norris has a legion of jokes and myths about him, invented by two Specialists on CQ duty one night.

Tea-bag (adv) - A nasty prank. The orginal is to drop your testicles on someone's forehead, often without them knowing it. It probably came form a pornography, a staple of military life. This one's rather new.

P.O.G. (pron) - Personnel Other than Grunt. In the infantry's mind, that's everyone but them. Usually describes all non-combat jobs. Pronounced pouge. This one probably got invented when George Washington needed a clerk.

Fobbit (adv) - another non-endering description of a soldier whose job keeps them from doing missions, or otherwise fears or chooses not to go outside the wire, thus staying on the FOB. I'm sure whoever had the two braincells required to come up with this had just watched the Lord Of The Rings

Gag Reflex (adv) - Another polite term saying someone is a asskisser. ex Don't try too hard, you might set off your gag reflex! (thanks to a PFC with a bad habit of getting his foot caught in his mouth!)

It's that most wonderful time of the year... or something like that. As most of the western world prepares for Christmas, Hanakah, New years, Kwanza, etc., the Army diligently does its best to distract its soldier from the fact that they are in a thrid world country when such normally joyious times come.

We're going to deploy a holiday to you! (Can't imagine Ol' Blue Eyes singing this one...)

So holidays come and past, loved ones away, surrounded by scenery you'd rather not look at, a paunful reminder that you're "over there". No Macy's Thanksgiving Parade. No giant Christmas tree in NYC. No New Year's bash. Just a bunch of work to be done with no overtime whatsoever for working on a federal holiday.

I remember my last Thanksgiving here in Iraq. An MRE, or Meal Ready to Eat. 24 flavors, and they all takes like tinfoil and cardboard. Joy. Christmas was only marginal better as I got to only work most of the day instead of nearly all of it.

Happy holidays...