The Rehabilitation of (supposedly) Me
Crisis Among the Corncobs- Installment #One

So.... Somehow, I ended up living in Omaha, Nebraska. It was all very unlikely and yet it happened. The old, "husband's career" gig. And we all followed like sheep, in a fire-engine-red Suburban. We bought an incredible old house for next to nothing. We were native Marylanders and used to Washington, D.C. real estate prices. It was a 1915 Arts and Crafts Tudor. We had it renovated top to bottom. Then one day my husband went out with the kids, and I got stoned out of my mind. In my reverie I lit a dozen candles and passed out. I came to. My infuriated husband was accusing me of trying to burn the house down, among other things. He thought I had a problem with that stuff I was smoking and demanded I get help.

It shocked the bejeebers out of him when I said, "okay". I decided to go to a thirty day treatment program. He looked at me like I was loony, asking if I really thought I was "that bad"...No back pedaling now, Mister. I packed up and hit the road. "Valley of Hope" was the name of the refurbished motel that sat in the middle of a cornfield. When I saw it, I thought, "Hope in Bumfuck, Egypt".

I had to check-in, just like at a hotel, and I guess I was looking pretty good because the receptionist couldn't get it through her head that I was a patient. She kept asking, "Which one are you here to see?" "I'm here to see ME" I finally told her. I guess I needed to go outside, and roll around in the parking lot, mess up my hair, throw dirt in my eyes, so they'd bloodshot up. I dunno. At any rate, I was finally taken to the nurse's station.They proceeded to take my blood pressure and do an intake interview.

It turned out they were less concerned about the marijuana, than they were about the sedative and sleep medication my psychiatrist had me on. I wasn't taking them to get high, but unbeknownst to me, he'd misdiagnosed me (I wouldn't learn that for another year) and jacked up the levels on these meds.So, I was taking enough Xanax to knock out an elephant. This meant that when they took me off the stuff, my hands shook, my eyeballs jumped around in my head and I thought I was going to come out of my skin. So, they'd give me a drug called Transene. It helped you withdrawl with fewer side affects. I had to sleep in the Detox Station- I could roam free among the general population and go to therapy and classes, but I had to check in with the nurses throughout the day to make sure I hadn't screwed off my head or something.

People in rehab come from all walks of life, but here are a few of the characters you might meet if you ever check in: Slushy Suzy Housewife, Hyperdrive Corporate Cocaine Man, Crackhead Hairspray Boy (he brought his shears and did everyone's hair), Angry Genius Junkie Boy, Sweet Slicing Sniffing Barfing Brenda, Obnoxious, Self-Righteous Bible Thumping Meth-Head, Free-basing Fuck-You-Please-Love-me Teenager, Prescription Writing Pregnant Girl (who cries every day thinking the cops will come and take her to prison.), Sophisticated, Well Educated, Closet Junkie who thinks he's smarter than everyone there, Psychotic, Confrontational Scary Girl (she belongs on a mental ward not rehab.),, and my personal favourite, for reasons you'll learn later, Big, Mystical Indian Man (who gave many of us tribal names and had this super cool aura of pow wow smoke about him.)

There were others, but those are the stand outs. Oh, how could I for get this one? Horny Withdrawl Dude. He was so desperate to alleviate his withdrawl symptoms by screwing anyone who would have him. He sized up every newbie who came through the door. His frustration was palpable. He sighed. He yearned and looked every single woman up and down, up and down. Then he left in disgust to jerk off in his room. His poor roommate couldn't stand it. We'd all snicker and giggle until a counselor overheard us. Then we'd all have to pretend we felt badly because that's what a "recovering" person would do. Okay. Tune in for my next installment. I have to go indulge my nicotine addiction. Bye!