How To Speak Like A Solider... Vol. 4

Volume 4. This along provokes a look of envy as you come to talking to your normal Joe Civvie as he scratches his head, wondering what you are talking about. Yes, the continuation of the popular "How To Speak Like A Soldier" continues...

This is how to speak like a solider... volume 4!

Black (pron) - The Army has deemed to make things 'crayola', by describing their effectiveness by colors. Green is 90% or better. Amber is 75% to 89%. Red is 51% to 74%. Black is 'your pretty much fucked.' This has been around for quite some time. Probably made by some staff puke in the Pentagon.

4 To The Floor (adv) - Another euphenism to 'go to the mats' with someone. Also, 'taking it to the woodline', and a 'come to Jesus' meeting. This has recent popularity, and I think was actually accredited to a visiting wrestler.

I.T.G.A. (acronym) - "IED Tested, Government Approved." This interesting tag goes to the lucky soldier or truck who survives the effect of an exploding roadside bomb with out any noticable damage. Very recently created by a Pv2 who got his 'cherry popped' by an IED. Pronounced It-gaw.

Zonk! (v) - to zonk! Zonk is an unofficial military command in which means "get the fuck out of my sight, and hidden, as quick as humanly possible." It usually means that your off for a good period of time. The higher the unit, the funnier this is. We've gotten it to Battalion/Squadron level once, and seeing 500 mofo's running away in all directions is hilarious!

Anchor-Clanker (pron) - A sailor in the Navy. Other funny names are 'Sea-side Soldiers', 'Wish-wash Whites', and of course, 'drowned rats'. The author would like to express that he has nothing against the Navy, other than the SeeBee's suck, and who's dumb enough to go on a floating (or sinking) beer can?

Earning The Mountain Tab (please, no!) - A Fort Drum euphanism, to 'earn your mountain tab' is to do a woman of... epic proportions. Needless to say, you rather not boast about something like this... See 'How To Speak Like A Solder' about Water Buffaloes and Massive Martha's if you're still confused.

Hajj Shop (pron) - A mainstay and perk of every FOB in the middle east, the Hajj Shop sells everything from cheap cigarettes to illegally downloaded and burned pirated DVD's at fraction prices. For some reason, many of them try to pawn off their cheap jewelry, gaudy clothing, and pictures.

Barracks Whore (pron) - A woman who is more than 'willing' to sleep with a soldier, often going from door to door in the same barracks. Also known as 'bunk bouncers', 'bouncing betties', and 'syphilis sallies'.

Home Wrecker 6 (adj) - Orginally a name given to a female helicopter pilot in Afganistan who crashed her medivac chopper into a tent city pad, Home Wrecker 6 has mutated to a deployed female who sleeps with married soldiers, and blackmails them. The '6' is considered the command element. The original came from a friend who rather remain anonomyous, but the new one came from a female mechanic who was, you guessed it, a Home Wrecker 6.

Pvt. Murphy's Law (he's always there...) Of 'Murphy's Law' fame, Pvt. Murphy's Law is a comic strip that came in in around 1999, drawn and captioned by a (r.)MSG Mark Baker, who still continues to do them to this day. You can look up any of the comic strip on-line on Google. I promise to find an archive so your not buying the 4 books, which for $5.99, are still pretty damn worth it. Jersey recommends, they give a good insight into this little world I'd like to call the military.

Pvt. Murphy (adv) - "Anything that can go wrong, does go wrong". Pvt. Murphy is always that extra guy in your patrol. He hides your flashlight, He drinks your water. He kicks the perfectly undisturbed IED's. He's the one that is responsible for making you doing dumb details in crappy weather. He's always there, missing on your trip ticket. Always.

T.C.S. (acronym) The "tickle, cup, and suck" is the nick name for the "Task, Conditions, and Standards" that is the briefing for every mission. While I don't know who made the new one, I cracked the hell up when I heard it. I've used it ever since.

Eye In The Sky (adj) - A surveilence satillite. I'm sure you've all seen the movies, the "camera" that can read your license plate, and track your movement through buildings. Well, some of them are pretty damn impressive, especially since they're probably around 22,000 miles in the air. Actual details withheld, for load knows how good they really are, and if I knew, I wouldn't tell. 

$400,000 Poker Table (pron) - A Long Range Scout Surveilence System, otherwise known as the LRS3, or just called the L-RAZ. At almost hall a mill, it is one of the best devices I have ever used for finding the baddies. One night, we found another use for it when we had a deck of cards, four chairs, and no table. Thanks to a former roommate of mine, this one still gets chuckles out of me when I say I've 'played' on a $400,000 table, which in real poker, is the cashpot, or total winnings.

Hands Across America (adj) - A police call of large proportions. The Army loves making people picking up random bits of trash after a day of work, or a field exercize. "hands across america" is when we all get in a straight line across, and begin to do one of these trash hunts. Yes, they do blow. While I don't know who came up with this, it popped up within my time in the military. Hands Across Iraq has also came up pretty recently, and as you can imagine, sucks balls.

A-nee-jek (arabic) {pronounced Ah-knee-jeck} - 'Fuck you!'