Anstey - I don't know if it's good form, but I will say, it is definitely what i see most often with them.
Leanne - It's the usual thing only because sometimes -- with regular length words -- it ends up looking diamond shaped. As you've used "pause" and a couple of other words, that's not going to work with yours so it might actually look better left justified.
This is, however (irregular length words aside, sod off English language), somewhat awesome. The internal rhymes and assonance are a unique touch, the middle line particularly. You build it up well -- the start seems quite mellow, then the skeleton knocks you for six.
It's a pretty neat little form, isn't it?
Aphasic - The middle line - I'm not sure about that. I originally had "Heaven confessed, yet no-one laid to rest" [possibly a 'volta' hangover?], but decided it sucked, so I blew it away. Now I'm unconvinced by what's there now.
Yeh, the form is intriguing [for a novice], and spectacular in the hands of an artist [as Uluru was painted].
Sinnaminsun - I like the way your poem reads. Your "picking bones" reference I think was the most poignant part of your poem, as it references back to the haunting memories which never really fade. I also like the minimal style of this, as I'm one to loose interest pretty quick with the lengthy poetry, no matter how well-written it may be;) You've conveyed your mood very clearly in this.
I'm a very visual person, and I would center your poem, I think it would look better.
This pause
in memory
of times long forgotten,
a skeleton dressed for the kill.
Heaven confessed although not laid to rest.
The naked stalk of childhood haunts
locking doors, picking bones.
Unforgiving,
this pause.
Starla - im not so sure i like this centralised because o the first and second lines being the same length. i would say it looks better how you have it originally.
and its great, it flows beautifully x
wham bam thank you mam
Anstey - Hehe. That's funny. She originally posted Centered. Then switched it. It is clear that it's unclear.
Aphasic - Thank you Starla, Sinnaminsun - I guess the answer is to change the text alignment every few days until I get sick of the sight of it, by which time no-one will give a shit either way...hello? [delusory smile]
Pags - The chap who invented the form centered them... Poets however use form as it suits them so if you want to align right or left the get on with it, I say
ShanV - I think you should center it again. Because it would look better that way and also I want you to dance like a monkey.
Also, what is the form? I don't understand it. But I'm pretty daft so..
Jen - I like it centered, maybe you just need a "pause" between stanzas?
This pause
in memory
of times long forgotten,
a skeleton dressed for the kill.
Heaven confessed although not laid to rest.
The naked stalk of childhood haunts
locking doors, picking bones.
Unforgiving,
this pause.
Emeya - These are usually centered. I think that it does make for a better presentation, the lines seem more balanced that way. From what I can tell, you have followed the form as it should be (it just occured to me that I've yet to write one of these - just a couple of cinquains here and there). I think my only thought here is that the 3rd and 4th lines could be different. They strike me as too obvious in phrasing. That said...
Heaven confessed although not laid to rest.
The naked stalk of childhood haunts
locking doors, picking bones.
....is absolutely excellent.
And for the person who was wondering what the form was, it goes something like:
Line 1 - 2 Syllables
Line 2 - 4 Syllables
Line 3 - 6 Syllables
Line 4 - 8 Syllables
Line 5 - 10 Syllables
Line 6 - 8 Syllables
Line 7 - 6 Syllables
Line 8 - 4 Syllables
Line 9 - 2 Syllables
...with the first and last line being identical. You can also go all out and write a rictameter chain.
-Emeya
Aphasic - Thanks Jen, Emeya - I've looked at this again, and accepted the arguments for having it centred, even though I my implementaion diverged from suggestions offered - the spacing (pausing) eventually resolved itself for me in the nature of the first & last lines, and the fact that it was only these lines preventing a 'symmetrical' presentation...
Emeya - can I ask, when you say 'phrasing' (lines 3 & 4), are you referring to the wording, or the rhythm, or both of these in conjunction? I had reasons for writing those lines that way, but I'm interested to know how and why they they failed to 'work' from your perspective...oh, and thanks for your clear & graphic description of the form - if I'd attempted to do that, anyone reading would have been either confused or comatose :>
Pags - Anstey, re who invented the form - this probably examples how confusing the forums have become - I posted something a while ago about this at http://www.shakespearesmonkeys...rictameter-form
Given time I can find my original sources if you want them too.
Emeya - Hey, yep...sorry, probably should have been more precise.
I feel that, while the sentiment is there, the words chosen to express it could be better. With the 2nd line I think that it's a little cliché. With the 3rd line, I like the line itself but find that the tone of it (it's a touch satirical (or maybe that's not the word I want to use, but...)) does not match the following lines to me.
I don't know if I'm making sense anymore. Haljfdsh afljahs fljdh hfl sa.
Hope that is clearer. Somewhat. Kinda. Maybe. I love the way you separated "this pause" from the rest like that.
-Em
Aphasic - Em - yes, perfect sense [you can quote me on that :> ] Your assessment of those lines comes quite close to the intention behind them. Maybe the word you were looking for is 'whimsical'? With a sense of parody...anyway, the section 'in memory' through to 'dressed for the kill' is meant to have a clichéd feel, the idea being to suggest something that is not actually forgotton, merely dismissed, almost as if being laughed off. Also the first few lines are meant to be read as being 'comfortable', having a regular rhythm, which gains momentum in the 'skeleton' line (as if being nervously/self-consciously blurted out), with (hopefully) a kind of pause for breath/composure at the period.
The 'in memory...long forgotton' lines are intended to suggest contradiction, echoed in 'dressed for the kill' (as opposed to 'dressed to kill').
The last few lines are meant to be the antithesis (in tone, and phrasing), of what went before - a kind of variation on the theme of 'reflection' that I've seen employed before in rictameters.
Anyway, that was some of what I had in mind when writing, although it obviously didn't come across that way convincingly :> I guess it's a scenario similar to '7 Things About Me' - when writing something with personal relevance, there are things that inevitably remain in the cupboard - I hope I've managed to explain some of that here, though probably not to your satisfaction :>
And thank you Em - that spacing is better I think, and something I wouldn't have seriously looked at without prompting...
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