Surrender - Shakespeare's Monkeys

Surrender

Rewrite

Invocation

God, life is messy, here on earth. I birth your angels, but dreams lie crumpled in three days worth of laundry piled on the floor. Screaming children, and burnt popcorn; I look up to see my degree framed on the wall. Please tell me what all that was for?

Revelation

Through open windows, rumbling storms approach bringing forth the voice of God.

“Yes?” I ask.

She says, “Girlfriend . . . Put your big girl panties on and DEAL with it!”

What a bitch.

Bolts of lightening illume, illusions erode in the fall that washes away visions of perfection, right answers, and honor rolls.

No, I won’t be saving the world in this lifetime.

Won’t even be squeezing in to a size 4.

Perhaps, She’s on to something. I’ll invite Her for coffee and bagels.

Benediction

Daybreaks and God

bounds down the steps

two pair of laughing eyes

and a superhero

at the breakfast table.

I sigh, then begin to laugh, at that long days’

Strawberry stains

Stained Carpets,

Car pools,

Endless hours at the swimming pool,

Pooling interruptions of giggles, boo-boo’s, clutter and thirsts.

Thirsting for breast milk,

Crying over spilled milk,

And all that sour milk . . .

I pour it down the drain.

Comments

Melden Fred Associate, 1848 posts	on June 20 2007 You have something interesting here. Perhaps a new form – something that begins as prose, then transmutes to standard poetic voice. On the other hand, nothing wrong with putting this into 3 parts (numbered or not – your choice) with different styles and voices. Or making it all poetry, unified. Another idea would be to state it as 3 parts: Thesis, Antithesis, Synthesis. Again, your decision. In any case, it has to be tightened because it’s rather wordy, covers a lot of ground, and the subject matter is not sufficiently profound or deep to warrant this many words. (Not to denigrate the subject, but it is about common-people experiences.) I’m wondering about “here on earth”. What were you trying to convey with the phrase? Perhaps a sub-theme to expand on? If so, expand. If not, I’d say drop it. Don’t be afraid to add some sub themes. At the beginning point where you are now, add more. You can always eliminate some later. When I say tighten the language, the “my illusions” should be just, “illusions”. I’ll save this for comparing with v.2. Alcuin
Julie herselffrom Here and There 302 posts	on June 20 2007 Thanks Alcuin. I'll try it out and see what happens!
Shannon McEwenfrom Canada 463 posts	on June 21 2007 First of all I hear ya, I've been in this place before and you say it well. I see an incredible poem in this, maybe pick some of the great images here and rework a poem? Then maybe write this like an article? Sort of a commentary on parenthood? Either way Julie, I think you have something here. ----- Life is what happens while you wait for great things. Life is what happens while you wait for great things.
Julie herselffrom Here and There 302 posts	on June 22 2007 I'm still experimenting, and want some feedback whether or not this rewrite is more effective. If not, I'll work the whole piece into a poem. Alcuin - your advice about adding in words at the early stage was inspired. I absolutely LOVED that . . . I'm aware I always need to cut back, but the freedom to add more first was liberating to the creative process. I'm not sure that it's clear in this piece, but it really helped me.
Leanne Hansonfrom Just west of the lounge room Associate, 3708 posts	on June 22 2007 I saw Papa Smurf's comment yesterday and was in total agreement, so I thought I'd wait and see what you produced and I'm glad I did, because this kind of fusion writing is really good for poetry. I think in the first version you had your degree "framed on the wall" - I actually wouldn't mind seeing that here, because "framed" has that double meaning which would be quite appropriate. The milk motif in that last part, coupled with the female God, make this really interesting. Very fertile and very feminine, but not in a way that should alienate any men. I would love to see more of this, I think it's a quite exciting direction.
Julie herselffrom Here and There 302 posts	on June 22 2007 Thanks, Leanne! I added 'framed' back in . . .
Rice Janelle 35 posts	on June 23 2007 I really like the "all that sour milk I poured it down the drain". It speaks to me of accepting your life and current state and not allowing it to bring you down. Oh, and of course "big girl panties"! That made me laugh I love the feminine form of God and speaking to her like she is a person, inviting her in for coffee. Trying to listen... it really speaks to Moms.
Melden Fred Associate, 1848 posts	on June 24 2007 Triple-X rated (Extremely exceedingly excellent). You didn't just pare around the edges; you added and cut, and originated new material. In short, your editing was creative. I laughed at, "Perhaps, She’s on to something. I’ll invite Her for coffee and rolls." I have a bit of trouble only with, "in the fall that washes away visions of". Crumbling and washing don't go together. Perhaps "shedding" or another verb more compatible with crumbling and falling - lots of possibilities here. Very nicely done. Alcuin
Paradiso, Tracey Associate, 1902 posts	on June 24 2007 I read the original, and can't remember it to compare it to what you've created here. I love this. I think it's spot on, cleverly crafted and "conscious." A must-read for every "new" mother.