Surrender

I'm still experimenting, and want some feedback whether or not this rewrite is more effective.  If not, I'll work the whole piece into a poem.

Alcuin - your advice about adding in words at the early stage was inspired.  I absolutely LOVED that . . . I'm aware I always need to cut back, but the freedom to add more first was liberating to the creative process.  I'm not sure that it's clear in this piece, but it really helped me.