An Importance of Mint Imperials

Dad was admitted to hospital for a minor operation. The following afternoon we visted him and discovered there were mint imperials in one of his shoes. Of course he had no memory as to why he had put them there so we invented a few possibilities. And yes. They roll a long way across hard ward floors!

Sweet sugar sphere
Hard as marbles
tapping teeth ("Don't crunch -
you'll break your plate")
turning on the tongue,
shrinking to the taste
of peppermint

Singing
"I'll put a pebble in my shoe
And watch me walk, I can walk and walk
I shall call the pebble dare
We will talk together about walking" (1)

Shuffling to find a nurse.
There are no pebbles
in hospital.

He's a lovely man
and likes his food.
Sweets in his shoe
deter the mice.
"Old-fashioned trick"
he says.

A little girl
"Mother, may I?"
He holds out sweets

Over distant hills
bright sunshine and clouds
The rattle of rain on his window
like the shaking of mints
in an old, leather shoe.

A shower of white balls
bouncing on hard floor,
dancing into corners
like new memories,
rolling away like dreams

(1) By My side (From the Musical Godspell) - Jay Hamburger

Anstey -
I think this really stands alone without the note. But I did enjoy it knowing that little tidbit. I also don't think you need the two citations, but I suppose for some they're very helpful.

stephan

Kath -

This is a wonderful image, and does have the atmosphere and feel of real life experience. I don't think you need the note to "sweets". Even if someone did not know that-- I think you've made it obvious.

A little girl
"Mother, may I?"
He holds out sweets
~~from his shoe~~

Over distant hills
bright sunshine and clouds
The rattle of rain on his window
like the shaking of mints
in an old, leather shoe.

One suggestion-- would take out that line, as you've mentioned the shoe enough, and by taking it out it raises the image to an almost mythological or dream like level--and yet the picture of what he is doing is still clear...

Leanne -
Pags, have you done any edits on this one? I'd love to see them if you have.

Pags -

Leanne

The version you see above is the edited version, though they are very small. Are you believeing more are needed? Tell me, if so?

Leanne -
No, I'm not sure, I just remember you saying you were going to edit -- the edits I'd make myself are personal choices, for example I find "he's a lovely man" to be superfluous. The "Mother may I?" lines don't seem right to me either (I quite liked the continual shoe mentions, because of the absurdity). I do think the last two stanzas are exceptionally strong.

Pags -
Leanne - an interesting comment which again makes me think. The "he's a lovely man and likes his food" lines were intended to capture how staff perceive him - perhaps a little patronising and superficial (probably inevitable, sadly). Does it give any sense of that to you?

Leanne -
No, not really, sorry -- perhaps a nice bit of chipper nursey dialogue? Otherwise, I don't get any sense of a voice shift, only that it's out of keeping with the rest.

Pags -
Mmm. OK. Then more work is needed needed yet. Ho hum.