I Can't - Shakespeare's Monkeys

I Can't

revision number two

Words shot towards
me in a hailstorm-
scratching my thoughts.
Abrasively etching your pain
in my memory.

I can’t stop loving you.

I congeal-
to preserve hope.
The attack continues,
intent-scattering puzzle pieces
that make me whole.

I can’t stop
loving you.

Machine gun mouth
spits adjectives deeper-
searching the bottomless ravine
of me-only echoes
reverberate.

I can’t
stop
loving you.

Leanne -

Rene, while the emotion is evident in this and essentially it's a strong poem, consider how much stronger it would be if you got rid of the fairly generic words of angst poetry: soul, spirit, pain, daggers... even love if you can remove it, but that's not so essential. The reason is, by using these words you're making it really easy for the reader -- these are codes that we're overly familiar with, and there's nothing new to challenge us and make it more flavoursome. I'd really love to see some more "showing" here, not just telling.

I know that sounds harsh but I do think it's got to stretch a bit to make great poetry.

Rnprl2003 -

Thank You! Leanne, you know harsh has never sent me running; on the contrary, you are so right. I have been out of poetry mode and deep in fiction writing writing mode for classes. This was merely one of my attempts to swing my mind back. Thank you, I already have new ideas for this one after reading your comment. I will work on it today and again....thank you.

----- I am orbiting, I don't know where, but I am orbiting something!

I am orbiting, I don't know where, but I am orbiting something!

Rnprl2003 -

first revision of a poem in progress!

----- I am orbiting, I don't know where, but I am orbiting something!

I am orbiting, I don't know where, but I am orbiting something!

Leanne -

Writing prose is bad for poetry. You get so used to using lots of words, it's hard to stop. Luckily for you, writing poetry isn't bad for prose at all, so go back the other way and you're fine

Already this is stronger, Rene. You might like to think about altering the first lines a little, maybe:

Words shot towards me.
The hailstorm
scratched my thoughts

Use your line lengths to emphasise what you're saying. This should be a staccato stanza, yes? Then longer into the "memory" bit, because memory is more lazy.

"fetal ball" is cliched.

Look for prepositions and such that you don't need, and can remove without sacrificing grammar beyond all hope, eg "on scattering the puzzle pieces" works just as well as "on scattering puzzle pieces".

Instead of things that tell, like "repeated shots", you might like to think about devices like onomatapoeia.

On its way, though

Mosquitobyte -

Hi there Rene,

Missed the first draft, this revision reads pretty well though.

I do have an issue with "I curl into a fetal ball, an attempt to preserve hope." Pretty much for the same reason as Leanne, it is a tad cliche. Nothing wrong with cliche, it has it's uses. For you though, I feel it's out of place.

Not to tell you how to write your own work, but for some reason, this line popped into my mind as an alternative:

"I congeal, an attempt to preserve hope"

Yes, it sounds weird I know, what else would you expect from The Byte?

Mos.

Rnprl2003 -

Trying to tighten up and make it more compact with the same emotional impact that I felt when writing....anymore suggestions? As always, I am open to your thoughts and feelings on it.

----- I am orbiting, I don't know where, but I am orbiting something!

I am orbiting, I don't know where, but I am orbiting something!