The Drowning Mermaid

My mother's eyes

sat closed,

ankle deep

in white sand sunning,

far from the water's edge.

Running home,

I returned to the sea,

a little mermaid

swimming tail-less,

(my dreamt of memories),

I splashed into the blue;

two legs as one

held tightly together,

octopus arms,

pale and graceful

in flames of swirling hair.

Someday soon,

I'd swim so deep,

so far,

no one could see me,

then with legs gone

green, herringbone scales,

I'd slap the surface

of the world's last breath

and descend-

another realm

where creatures strange

to others, knew me well.

Then it struck me hard behind,

a giant's hand slamming

cold water from beyond,

erratic force swelled depths

to rush destruction's course,

I dragged against each pebble's

tumbled edge, each scallop's blade,

eating water's raspy

sand-silt, burning whisper

scorched my face,

breathless, choking razored grit,

claws pulled me farther

from the anchor

of the shore.

I fought

fists grabbing murky sky,

legs kicking current's

face and shin,

the spinning surface

caught my mouth

and finally breathing in-

drowning panic's hold

lost out.

I'd found my feet

and struggled from the water heaving.

Collapsing on my towel,

next to my mother,

eyes still closed

and sunning.

She looked over with one eye

and said,

"Be careful out there,

the undertow is fierce."

Files

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Comments

Anstey -

First of all, I love the twisted little ending. It's very human and real and exactly the sense of humor I grew up with from my parents, so I can relate to it precisely.

I love the story, many of the images, and I think you're headed in a nice direction. However, I think this needs some slicing and thinking through of tense. Specifically S3. This seems to be set up for a future tense "someday soon" then you go into a past perfect tense. It's not that it's terribly confusing, but I do think the shift is a bit awkward and dissipates some of the pop of the piece.

The opening stanza is an interesting quandry to me, due to the fact you're creating a real image but purposefully being deceptive with the words. "sat closed' is a nice way of talking about her eyes, but the feet in the sand butted up against it while interesting is every so slightly surreal and the poem goes in a more realistic direction, i think. I'm sure others will chime in on that. Personally, I think S1 is nice but i'm not sure it works in this context.

Again with the parenthetical in s2. It's interesting, but I'm not sure it fits there. I might suggest working it in more logically into the piece rather than blurting it out in that way.

two legs as one
held tightly together,

Cases like that line, I'd rather see you work it more naturally, perhaps, "two legs held tightly together as one" or something like that. I think there's a general tendency here toward the indirect statements, where I'd like to see you keep your verbs as active and vibrant as possible.

Celticlion -
Stephan, thank you so much for your insightful comments and suggestions. You've given me some things to think about which I very much appreciate. Writing of this subject has been something I've had in the back of my mind for a long time. I very much agree with much of what you suggest- I am also wondering, in the context of a collection of poems about my life, if some different viewpoint might be seen. The mythology of the mermaid was an idealised life free of the sexual demands of men- even as a child. Many undertows came for me that she closed her eyes to or even assisted. So, this poem is a small sliver and may not be what it first appears- nevertheless, I still take all your comments to heart for anything that will help me to become a stronger writer is extremely valuable to me. Thank you for helping me. Yours,C

Catherine.jpg