Tales from the Twisted Veranda

Three southern ladies were sipping iced teas on Twyla's veranda, talking about old times when Blanche turned to Tuleulah and said, "Honey, I sure do miss my dear old grandmammy, God bless her soul, she was so good to me. I just can't believe she's gone." Tuleulah patted Blanche's hand in sympathy and said, "She was a very dear lady and nobody, and I do mean nobody could make a blueberry cobbler that even came close to her's." Twyla added, "That funeral was so beautiful, Blanche, I swear, I never saw such an exquisite coffin. What was it called again?"

Blanche dabbed at her eyes with a lacy handkerchief and whispered, "Rose of Savannah." At hearing the glorious name, all the ladies sighed deeply to signify agreement that the Lord's hand had been in the making of that coffin, for it was the perfect one for Blanche's grandmother, Daisy Lou, a native of Savannah with a passion for roses bordering on neurotic fixation. Twyla said, " I just couldn't believe how pretty she looked lying back on all that pink satin. I tell you, the color of her cheeks was as fresh as a girl of sixteen."

Blanche smiled at her through her tears. "She always did have such beautiful bone structure- all the women in my family do. Some say it's a curse, for that kind of beauty brings with it the sort of attention only a woman of tremendous grace and poise can handle with cache. Blanche looked deep inside herself with admiration, knowing that neither Twyla nor Tuleulah had any idea what she truly meant. It was a burden she must carry on her elegantly rounded shoulders alone. Twyla and Tuleulah looked at each other hoping Blanche wasn't going to go off onto one of her tangents about how pretty she'd always been and how every boy in the county was just dying with love for her. They'd heard it all a thousand times before, but had politely listened each time as if it were the first.

Twyla jumped up, hoping to break the spell, "I do believe the iced tea's getting watery. I'd better make a fresh batch and cut some more lemons." Tuleulah offered her immediate assistance, but was shooed away, so, she reluctantly sat back down next to Blanche. Hoping to change the subject, Tuleulah said, "Blanche, I don't recall much about your granddaddy for some reason." "Oh," Blanche smiled. My grandpappy, Will Buford was a real son of a gun. Worked for the big tobacco companies down here and would travel north quite a bit. But he always said he hated setting foot north of the Mason-Dixon line. He said people were haughty and rude up there and got themselves all

puffed up over book learning, yet didn't have sense to pour piss out of a boot!" At that the two ladies laughed.

"Will Buford was a real character alright. And he liked drinking whiskey, so in his older years he'd just sit out on the porch with his old dog, Buck- they were always together, and sip his whiskey. He'd wave to the neighbors and sometimes he'd fall asleep out there. Well, my grandmother, Daisy Lou, was scandalized. She didn't like it one bit and she'd go out there and fuss at Will to come in the house or else. She was real concerned about what the neighbors were going to think.

Twyla emerged from the old house with a pitcher full of fresh iced tea, sugar, lemon and sprigs of mint. "What'd I miss? She asked. "Oh, I was just telling Tuleulah ‘bout my grandpappy, Will Buford, sitting out on his porch, drinking whiskey with his dog, Buck.

"Oh, I remember that." Twyla chirped. "Daisy Lou didn't like it one bit and kept trying to get him in the house."

"Well," said Blanche, once Will Buford had set his mind on something, you couldn't change it and I'm afraid that Daisy Lou's ultimatum backfired on her, but good. Now he was sleeping out there at night, too, and all she could do was give him a blanket to keep him from dying from exposure.

Finally Daisy Lou was at wits end and went to Pastor Wilhound to see if he might come and talk some sense into Will. So, Pastor Wilhound comes in his black suit and as he approaches the house, he sees Will Buford sitting up half-slumped over in an undershirt and britches with a bottle in his hand. And he must have thought, Lord have mercy, this is going to be worse than I imagined."

"I remember that Wilhound fella because my mother told me, he asked her out on a date before she met my father", Twyla said, "so, he could have been my daddy!"

"Well, Pastor opens the gate and starts up to the porch calling out grandpappy's name and big ole Buck sits up all of a sudden and gives a warning bark.

"Oh, yeah, wasn't Buck just the sweetest, old galoot. He was big as a horse but so gentle.", said Tuleulah.

Blanche said, "Well he was, unless you ran away from him. If he barked and you ran, he figured you did something wrong and he'd chase you down. So grandpappy comes to when he hears Buck bark and he sits up and looks at the pastor and says, ‘Who the hell are you?' and Buck was on all fours by now. Staring down at Wilhound who was deathly afraid of dogs and could barely speak because he had wet himself and just wanted to go home."

The ladies all roared with laughter at the thought of it. But then Blanche said, "The story isn't over. Wilhound turned heel and ran straight for the gate but Buck was on him, having lunged mid-air from the porch to set his teeth deep in that Pastor's behind. Poor Wilhound was in the middle of the road turning round and round with Buck hanging from his rear, screaming bloody murder! Will Buford is up on the porch laughing so hard he nearly had himself a fit. Finally Buck let go, and that Pastor hightailed it across town with his rear end hanging out for all to see, and Buck just stood in the road and watched him go. Then a big truck come up over the hill and hit Buck. It had northern plates and didn't even stop. Just kept going. And Buck was thrown to the side of the road.

Will Buford ran down into the street sobbing and grabbed that dog up in his arms and ran through town to the doctor. Turns out Buck was so big and strong he only lost a leg and the rest of him was just fine. So, from there on out, Buck was a three legged dog."

"Well, now what's the matter with me? Said Twyla. "Of course, I saw Buck hopping around through town on his three legs when I was a girl. I just never questioned it. He looked happy enough."

"And he was" said Blanche. " Until Buck passed away Will Buford managed to keep mind and body together- but when that dog went, my grandpappy weren't never the same again. He went into what we know now is a deep depression. And one day, Daisy Lou came home and found he'd taken his own life."

"Oh, how terrible", gasped Twyla, though she'd heard the rumours before.

"How dreadful. What a horrific loss!" said Tuleulah, hoping Blanche would give more details.

"Yes, she came home from the Savannah Garden Club meeting and there he was in a pool of blood in the kitchen! Laying next to him was one of my grandmammy's sterling silver butter knives. The police came right away to investigate the scene. They found a note written to Buck and not much else. They checked the body for wounds but none could be found. It was very perplexing. Finally, the coroner discovered that my grandpappy had tried to disembowel himself with the butter knife and bled to death  trying.

"How shocking! cried Twyla.

"How brutal and horrible, to inflict such a death on himself! Said Tuleulah.

"What did the note to Buck say?" asked Twyla, trying to gather as much information as she could while such a strange topic of conversation was open for discussion.

"Well", said Blanche, "I'd rather not say, for it is too heinous and my grandmammy, God rest her soul, would surely turn in her grave should the words pass my lips."

"Oohhhhhh" said Tuleulah knowingly, with a lurid look of dark fascination on her face.

"Oh." said Twyla completely confused, with no possible inkling as to what was being inferred, other than it being rude to leave a dog a note and not one's wife.

"God rest their souls." said Blanche, closing the subject down.

"They are all together in heaven now" said Tuleulah and then she wondered aloud, "Do you think they are keeping Buck and Buford separate up there?"

Twyla answered in annoyance, "Tueulah, why would they? That poor dog's only got three legs! Whatever happiness he can find in this life or in the hereafter, I hope he enjoys himself immensely."

Blanche just looked back and forth between the two and then rose to say good-bye.

"I'll see you both at the fundraiser for the beautification of fire hydrants next week", said Blanche and she left for her hair appointment.