I - Shakespeare's Monkeys

different format and few revisions #2

I seethe

just below the surface

it runs under my skin

where it cannot be seen

I burn

flames that lick at my pores

just waiting to escape

to the outer realms

I cry

salty tears that hit against

a dam and flow backwards

to drown my soul

I scream

silent obscenities

that reverberate around

my aching head

I melt

into the floor

filling cracks between

the tiles like unwanted grout.

I hear

everyone’s words for

they don’t know I am

anywhere

I dry

and turn to dust

to be swept up by

broom and dustpan

I am

thrown out into the yard

to blow around

and find a new home

I am the dirt

beneath your feet

Emeya -

I think there are a few things that you could do to enhance this piece.

Over all, I think the format could be played around with a little more. Sometimes I felt the lines were too long, and I'd like to see some extra stress on that "I" repetition. Really make it stand out. Maybe something like...

I seethe

just below the surface, it runs under my skin where it cannot be seen.

I burn,

the flames are licking my pores, just waiting to escape to the outer realms.

And so on and so forth. This would break the poem into couplets with the last line still standing on it's own.

Also, two nitpicks. "I am anywhere around" -- I think it might be enough without the "around" only because with it the sentence felt awkward to me. And your ending line, final note: "I am the dirt beneath your feet now." -- I would be tempted to leave off the "now" as the entire write played out like a riddle. I kept wondering where it would lead and end, and it was as if you'd been implying this line all along.

Anyway, just some thoughts.

~Emeya

Mosquitobyte -

This reads as if it "bled" from you, to use my analogy. Based on that assumption of mine, I'd say it's a good draft. It has good imagery but I do think playing with the format would tighten it up nicely.

Mos.

Rene' -

Emeya: thank you so very much for your suggestions! I always love new ideas and do so like yours for this poem. I will play with that idea today while I am stuck in this bed and sick, ugh.

Mos: you are quite right, it bled from me in a matter of seconds and this is very much a raw and rough draft. It was a cathartic write to say the least and points to how 'used' I have felt lately. You are quite perceptive my friend!

----- LIFE: I messed up, can I have a 'do over'?

I am orbiting, I don't know where, but I am orbiting something!

Leanne -
This is quite a revision, very strong and you've not lost that raw edge. I actually find the punctuation inconsistent to the point that it feels wrong -- my suggestion is that you get rid of it entirely and wherever there's a comma, use line breaks instead. This will give more of a fractured effect and allow you to really play with emphasis.

Mosquitobyte -

Leanne is spot on here, get rid of the punctuation. When we "bleed", we don't consider punctuation, we only think of that as we tidy up generally. This would have more immediacy without it.

Love the editorial work on this so far, great stuff Rene.

Mos.

Rene' -

Thank you Leanne (and Mos!), the punctuation is now gone, I changed a few more words and got rid of few that seemed to extraneous and did away with the one stanza break. I love 'bleeding' onto the page and then watching it take new shape and form. I also love suggestions and ideas that make me look differently at what I have done!!!

I do like this so much better thus far!!!

----- LIFE: I messed up, can I have a 'do over'?

I am orbiting, I don't know where, but I am orbiting something!

Emeya -

Just thought I'd stop back in and see what you did with it. It looks/reads great!

~Emeya