Einsperrung - Shakespeare's Monkeys

Einsperrung

Tödliche Liebe

In the dark
You cast your scar

Alone

I sit and stare
Laughing with the sirens

My mind a web
Catching memories
Like empty thoughts

They're not enough to feed me

For all that I've blessed
For all that I've wronged
You curse until my death

I'll go on

In your arms I long to be
But I weave this web

Alone

Sinnaminsun -

I like the way your poem reads, it almost has a lyrical

quality which is rare in your pieces. Love lost can weave

a pretty sticky web.

Jen -

Hi,

I like this. Here are a few suggestions for you to consider:)

Line 3: I would delete the word "all" and just have "alone" by itslelf. It ties in better with "alone" at the end of your poem.

Line 6: I would delete "Cob" and just use "Web." Again because it ties in better with "web" which you use in your second to last line of this poem.

Line 12: Perhaps "Your curse" instead of "you can curse". For some reason it just sounds less ackward or it could just be me.

Also I think a simpler title would be better...like..The Web

Mosquitobyte -

Thanks for the feedback Jen. As you can see, I've made use of some of your suggestions, they do indeed make for a stronger piece now.

When it comes to titles though, he he, they're never simple with me. Often they rely on the variance in meaning between Germand and English ( a germanic language itself). These differences, for those who take the time or understand German, will lead to the revelation of another layer in the piece.

In this case, the title suggests an obstruction, which is indeed one way of looking at the web I weave. An obstruction to moving on and getting on with life.

Thanks again Jen.

Mos.