Leanne - I will need to look at this more closely but my first impression is that you have too many words and a little too much telling, especially the second last stanza. I do think explanations are important, I just think it could be achieved more succinctly. Perhaps you could play with something like "yesterday's eyes" and "this morning's eyes" or maybe "Monday" and "Saturday". Also, you might try:
Green eyes have paled to blue
but mischief still sparks
The silver crown shining through my golden hair
was earned honestly, is worn proudly
Go whimsical, the poem begs it I think.
Rene' - I love the ideas that spring forth from workshopping and this is no different than any other time! I took your thoughts, mixed them with some new ones that formed after reading your ideas, and ta da! First revison is posted and I am sure more will come. As always, I humbly thank you, you make me think deeper and different.
----- just wandering the maze of hallways in my bent mind!
I am orbiting, I don't know where, but I am orbiting something!
Leanne - Please don't be mad... but I honestly think you've gone too far with this, and it's lost that sparkle. Now it seems like you're just laying out a list of changes, whereas before you were exploring them in a slightly surreal way. In the first version, even though it was clear you were talking about yourself then and now, it was still a little ambiguous and personally I find that more poetic but don't take that to mean this is bad, because I know others will like it.
Rene' - Now Leanne, you have critiquing and suggesting to me long enough now to know that I don't get mad over it! I love your (and all others as well) ideas and thoughts. I can see what you mean and still have the other version to work with. After reading this input from you, I feel compelled to go back and work on it some more. This was just a thought that hit me today. It may be better as a whole separate poem with a different title! Don't ever think that I would get mad over something like this. I love 'this' as a matter of fact because it pushes me to look deeper, longer, and in different directions. It is because of 'this' that this piece was created.
----- just wandering the maze of hallways in my bent mind!
I am orbiting, I don't know where, but I am orbiting something!
Rene' - Okay now, some others may find me crazy here for changing this back and forth but here we go back to the original theme. I decided to use your idea that used days of the week to show time passage. However, I have left out Saturday and Sunday figuring they would stand for the end (death) and since I am still living (for the moment anyway) I used only Monday, Wednesday and Friday!
----- just wandering the maze of hallways in my bent mind!
I am orbiting, I don't know where, but I am orbiting something!
Leanne - I think you're definitely on the right track here... you use lots of words with elegance, which is so rare that it seems a shame to pare it right back to plain listing. I like lots of words, as long as they're not wasted or irrelevent. I'd love to hear what other people think though... if only they were commenting...
Rene' - i wish I knew how to get people to commenting. I have tried doing so in kind, and it has had little response. You and Alcuin about the only ones that I find doing so. When I read your poetry, I find so little that I feel could be changed but I love reading it. Hopefully, my friends (from school) will be back from their vacations soon and then we can get some workshopping going on here.
I am not entirely happy with this piece yet so I will sit on it a while and then maybe changes will come to me. The idea is going in the right direction but the words haven't shown themselves to me as of yet. Thank you again Leanne...
----- just wandering the maze of hallways in my bent mind!
I am orbiting, I don't know where, but I am orbiting something!
Rene' - getting closer to where I want it to be. It is starting to show the direction that 'it' wants to travel
----- just wandering the maze of hallways in my bent mind!
I am orbiting, I don't know where, but I am orbiting something!
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