Far from bulletproof - Shakespeare's Monkeys

far from bulletproof

i remember my dreams
like someone crashing
in an airplane
sees the sky

the night is limit
-less, boundless, a burden
which never fulfills its promise
of peace

i soothe to the smooth
roll of the fan
am present in the room
am present in another

and another, flashes
of place and time
i roll to the rhythmic
sensuality of the fans
as the air from one

caresses the other
as the deep blue bed sheets
unbind at the corners
bunch in the center
call to my legs

to stop
which they refuse
as though were they not
treading i'd drown

Alcuin of York -
What exactly were you intending with "limit / -less"? It seems obvious to me the line breaks should be:

"the night is
limitless
boundless,
a burden that never fulfills
its promise of peace"

Was there a specific reason for the breaks you used? Did you have a particular effect in mind?

Also, instead of "sees the sky", you might consider "looks to the sky".

Generally, I liked this. Like most of your writes, there are a lot of interesting juxtapositions here.

Alcuin

Kat -

while each poet interprets the meaning of words and word usage through different filters, I especially appreciate creativity in language utilization.....

exactly because I tend to write in a somewhat conventional manner, unlike the 'language poets' who are much more advant garde.....which leads me to this observation: I love the line break right in the middle of the word "limitless".......

imho, this creates two intersecting thoughts.....first, "the night is limit".....implying boundaries defined by nightfall.....second, "-less, boundless, a burden"......speaks to lack of boundaries, and the unconventional interpretation of that being a burden, rather than freedom......

both thoughts then transition into the last lines of the stanza, touching upon more transcendent themes of the eternal [the sky] and spiritual disappointment, perhaps [never fulfulling the promise of peace]......

that said, I believe "as though were they not/ treading I'd drown" would be a much better place to end this poem, as the lines that follow tend to meander a bit too close to overused imagery......to my ear, you've written an excellent poem up until the "treading" line.....Kat

GreenGrapes -

kat, your ideas have helped immensely. i'm going to edit that--i think you're absolutely right. i was struggling with the ending. it makes sense that it was because i already had it but didn't realize.

alcuin, i appreciate your words, and kat has done a remarkable job of explaining my line-breaks for me! basically i have "limit/-less" to portray both the limit of the nighttime (it will end, there is nothing to do but lie in this state, there are limits and constraints, but at the same time, it is also limitless in that black area of sleep/wake that seems neverending.) as far as the "sees" vs. "looks to," "looks to" doesn't really explain what i'm trying to say. i'm not suggesting that someone is staring up at the sky as they're falling, but rather seeing flashes of it through a window. i imagine that while falling in a plane your attention would jump from one thing to another: people inside the plane/silverware flying/things flipping upsidedown/the skewed view of the sky out the window, etc. it is those momentary skewed views that i liken to dreams, or at least my own dreams. also i think the sound of "sees the sky" vs. "looks to the sky" is stronger for the alliteration and smoothness. the k and t sounds in "looks to" chop up the statement in ways i don't really want it chopped.

i do appreciate the comments!