Anstey - I'm assuming the sense of a wave is reflective of the aforementioned tide. I think it works. I'm not sold on the dashes. I think the effect works as well without them. The only phrase that sort of warblated in my ear was the 'blood-red' -- it sniffed a bit cliche. Otherwise, I enjoyed this.
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- stephan
Aesthetic Psychosis - Well, darling -
you know my feelings about dashes, and I happen to know a lot more about the piece that Stephan. I'd say keep them. I like them a lot (and the poem). In fact, there's nothing that I don't like about it. I just miss you incredibly. I begin my trip home... tomorrow.
Austin
Leanne - I fear Austin may be a teeny bit biased here... 
I actually don't mind the dashes -- to weigh in to the punctuation debate -- although I rarely use such devices myself, I think they do help the appearance of the poem on the page. I would like to see you rethink the term "blood-red passions", purely because it's been used far too many times before. Also, are you sure you want "prudest"? "Prude" is really a noun, and a vernacular one at that, so it just seems out of place. All that said, it's quite a neat little piece but I think it can be lifted further with slightly better word choices. You only have a short time in such a poem to make an impact -- and even if there are personal and secret meanings behind things, I would suggest making it a little more accessible and dynamic to readers who aren't "in the know".
Aesthetic Psychosis -
I told you I was biased.
Leanne: I'm sure you do just fine.
Me: -Keeps silent.-
Leanne: -Looks at comment.-
Leanne: Damn. He is biased.
Desde debajo - thanks for chiming in. i'm wishy-washy (don't you love that not-word?) about the dashes because i definitely liked them when i had originally hand-written the poem, but i'm rethinking them right now... maybe it's the font.
leanne was very right about the fact that there are little meanings to the words i use, mostly to myself, and that tends to be a problem of mine. i end up getting stuck on particular words because they have their own little meanings to me and i can't think of any other way to describe something. in actuality, they may or may not sound good when put into context.
for this poem in particular, i'm going to indulge myself and leave the cliche "blood-red passion" as-is. in any other poem, i'd probably ignore my own little meaning, but this one is very specifically what i want to say.
Anstey - The joy of writing is that, in the end, the world be damned, it is what you say it is. It's far more important, in the end, that you are saying what you want to say, than anyone think you said it the best way particularly if the work in question has an intended audience who appreciates and understands the exact meaning of what your'e saying. Sure, it limits the audience -- but there is nothing wrong with writing to an audience of one. If the work does what it's supposed to do, then regardless of 'poetic merit' -- for which this certainly does not lack by the way -- the first job of any writing is to communicate your message to your intended audience. It appears to have succeeded swimmingly.
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- stephan
Desde debajo - thanks for that, stephan.
p.s. Austin, you're biased on this one, but not all of them. I have something different cooking for tomorrow (you'll be on a plane so it won't matter), and we'll see what you say about it when you get the chance to rip it to shreds... which is fine by me. : )
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