 Stephan Ansteyfrom Lowell, MA Associate, 6232 posts |
fore!!!!
skin. -----
|
 Paradiso, Tracey Associate, 1902 posts |
This...hurts. Which makes it so good. You brought me right back to that moment in my own life. Here are my non-expert comments: I'm wondering about why some lines begin with an upper case letter and some don't; I can't find the reason for it and it distracts me. I'm weird like that. In the last line, I'm wondering if you need "to the" since every other line is so spare. Perhaps something like: Initiation: American tribe. Great stuff, Ms. Feather.
|
Paradiso, Tracey Associate, 1902 posts |
P.S. Great title. |
 Julie herselffrom Here and There 302 posts |
Tracey: Thanks for the comments. I agree about that last line, but I can't figure out what to do with it. It does seem like I need to pull a few words out of there, but the semi colon trips the 'flow' when I read it outloud. As for random capitalization - I'll chalk it up to laziness. Word automatically capitalizes when I push return. Anyone know if that function can be shut off? |
 Rice Janelle 35 posts |
*shudder* That gave me chills, but probably because we see eye to eye on this subject. I particularly like the " sacrifice satisfied" line, and actually it even seems like it may be a fitting final line w/o the initiation portion. I like your play on words for the title, as well. One change I personally would make is omitting the " the" in front of white coat... that way, white coat is an image more so than a person.. just as the other words throughout the poem you convey sensations rather than you saying " the tearing flesh". Am I making any sense? |
Julie herselffrom Here and There 302 posts |
Absolutely makes sense! Thanks for the thoughtful comments. |
More in The Treasure Chest
Circumspect
Thought I'd try the soapbox approach 
Salty sweet infant boy
Rose petal lips
Mother’s breast.
A white coat,
Bright light
cold slab
sharp stab
searing crush
Tearing flesh
rite of blood
weeping stub
sacrifice satisfied
Initiation to the American tribe
- Julie herself
on June 2 2007
from Here and There
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