Ode to a Man on a Harley

for Leanne and all things leather....

Shall we dance?
just you and I?
take a ride to our horizon’s end…

shall I wrap my thighs
-tight-
round yours?
grasp
your leather hips -
lean into you
as black ribboned road’s vibrations
consume us -
combine me with
your heat.

can I close my eyes -
and feel your lashing hair
lick
my cheeks,
my eyes
into my mouth?
will it taste
of you?
of road-and-wind-and-sweat.

myself, machine and man -
wide open to the sky
as we blister sunny fields of flowers
their faces turned in awe.

chrome keeps flashing
sunlight briefly
while rubber treaded miles are
melting
into asphalt,
with our blended beads
of sweat
pressing-in-between-us,
as we race
to
-every-
-heated-
-swaying-
wave on
our
horizon.

Leanne -

Oh baby, I bet there's a throbbing muffler involved here somewhere.

Technical... ahem... I like your petitioning start, then the progression to bolder suggestions, though you keep up the questioning (I bet you've spent plenty of time on your knees). "as we blister sunny fields of flowers" is a particularly cool line.

I think the wavy thing after wave might just be a bit much, but then I have a prejudice against punctuation.

Callooh -

Leanne:

since I generally don't "kneal and tell", I'll just keep my thoughts to myself....

Tracey -

How'd you get into my fantasy world?

Tres sexy.

I'll write more when I return from some errands...

Callooh -

Tracey:

Perhaps the same way he got into mine. Bad boys on bikes, that and musicians - I must stay away from ( ils ne sont aucun bon pour moi!! - no good for me!).

ah, but you should have SEEN him... sigh.

thx!

Leanne -
See? Told you you'd fit right in

Tracey -

DId he have a tattoo? (nosy me)

The only stanza I'm not wild about is the opening. I wonder if you could cut it out completely, given that the title sets the reader up for what's about to happen.

I really like the first stanza and love the second one; you're really giving the reader the feel of what it's like to ride with this biker dude. I am wondering if the second stanza should end with a question mark.

The "myself, machine and man" stanza, wow, I see it as fields of sunflowers and it's a marvelous image.

I'm not so sure about the first two lines of the last stanza but I don't know why. It feels a bit awkward, like the order of the words is off. I'm sorry I'm not more articulate as Leanne and Alcuin are in their feedback. I'm just telling you how I feel it. I like the blended beads of sweat and love the hyphenated words, which to me denote rises in the rode. Cool, bay-bay.

Callooh -

Leanne:

you always knew what was best for me.... - what would I do without you??

Callooh -

Tracey:

I was never fortunate enough to find out, but I can imagine now can't I?

I'm always playing with word order, and sometimes have no idea that I'm butchering lines! so I appreciate the honest feedback. I'm fond of "shall we dance", don't know if I can part with it, but will reexamine both things you mention.

thx very much!!

ps my friend absolutely refused to drive along side him long enough for me to jump from her car onto his bike! hmmph! some friend!!

Tracey -

I'd dump the bitch.

(not really)

Welcome to Apeland!

Anstey -

I dislike the first three lines, though, i do see the point of setting a tone, and i'm not sure that removal would be wise.

That said, "Shall I wrap my thighs" is a much stronger opening line.

I don't like the hyphens (m-dashes?) around tight, nor do I think the question mark should be there, but instead at the end of that stanza. Really it's one complete thought, I think.

I think black-ribboned is hyphenated.

I very much like this piece, though, I consistently question the dashes throughout. It's good, very good.

-----

stephan

Callooh -

Anstey:

thanks very much.

very very helpful review,

-now-

I have

-much-

to think about -

seriously you've given me some excellent thoughts, thanks very much!

Leanne -
Well dammit, I like the start! It's a bit like two strangers dancing a tango, tentative at first and then getting stuck into the whole bodies pressed together business. Though putting a rose between your teeth whilst riding a Harley may result in some serious injury.

Anstey -

:) Leanne, you're SUCH a sentimental romantic.

-----

stephan

Callooh -

Leanne

a leather thong between your teeth might be more managable...