Snortin Norton - Shakespeare's Monkeys

Snortin Norton

New Version

Snortin Norton blew his nose
Blew his nose it curled his toes
Curled his toes and stretched his nose
Stretched his nose out like a hose

Snortin Norton rolled his nose
Rolled his nose up like a hose
Like a hose was his long nose
His long nose tucked ‘tween his toes

Snortin Norton blew his hose
Blew his hose off flew his toes
Off flew his toes and his hose
His hose like nose really blows

Old Version

Snortin Norton blew his nose
Blew so hard he curled his toes
Curled his toes and stretched his nose
Stretched his nose out like a hose

Snortin Norton rolled his nose
Rolled his nose up like a hose
Like a hose was his long nose
His long nose tucked ‘tween his toes

Snortin Norton blew his hose
Blew so hard off flew his toes
Off flew his toes and his nose
Where they flew nobody knows.

Comments

1- Anstey on May 29 2007

Snortin Norton blew his nose
Blew so hard he curled his toes
Curled his toes and stretched his nose
Stretched his nose out like a hose

ok. the first stanza, I like a lot.

Snortin Norton blew his hose
Blew so hard off went his toes
Off went his toes and his nose
Where they went nobody knows

I am less enamored of this part. You lost the pattern at the end -- which I suppose is fine, but my asthetic tells me you should have stuck with it. I also question the first line of S2 -- I think, you might want to move the story part of this forward a bit more. It's the leap from nose to hose that isn't confusing, but i'm picky and i wanted something different.

I dunno. Anyways.. Thank you. I"m now sitting here thinking about this punk-ass Nortin.

Snortin Nortin blew and blew
blew and blew til he turned blue
he turned blue wouldn't you knew
whouldn't you knew his toes did too

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stephan

2- Jen on May 29 2007

I added a middle stanza, hopefully it ties in better. Still thinking about the ending.

3- Shannon McEwen on May 29 2007

Like Stephen all I can think of now is Norton's Nose!

Okay, first Stanza, awesome.

Second stanza, in L3 something is missing for some reason. When I read I get stuck, I don't know, how about "With his streched out hose like nose"?

Regarldess this is great Jen, I'd love to see pictures with this!
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Life is what happens while you wait for great things.

Life is what happens while you wait for great things.

4- White_Feather on May 29 2007

Fun! I like it best without the middle stanza (the way you had it originally). I agree that S2, L3 needs an extra syllable or something (although when I count it out I still get 7 beats each). Would it flow better as "off went his toes and then his nose?"

5- Anstey on May 29 2007

it's not the number of beats, it's how the stresses are falling.

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stephan

6- Jen on May 29 2007

I keep changing the last line of the second stanza. I'm I still off?

7- Anstey on May 29 2007

actually, I think it works a lot better now.

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stephan

8- White_Feather on May 29 2007

I think you've got it! And I like the way you've incorporated the middle stanza.

9- Shannon McEwen on May 29 2007

Looks Good.
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Life is what happens while you wait for great things.

Life is what happens while you wait for great things.

10- Alcuin of York on May 29 2007

Well, S1’s pattern is n1-v1-n2 / v1-v2-n3 / v2-v3-n2 / v3-...n3
we should expect a complete startover or a continuation in S2. You begin with a startover: n1-v4-n2 / v4-(“just”)-n3 / (“just”)-N3-n2 etc
So here is where the pattern breaks down. Adding probably won’t correct this. The “just substitutes for another verb because you begin the next line with it, so it’s functionally consistent. The middle word “hose” in L3 must be repeated as the first world of L4. Then S3 needs to be modified to have the same structure.
I don’t think it’s a bad structure, and it’s not that difficult. I suggest you make a list of all the words that rhyme with “hose”. Don’t forget the homonyms spelled differently (“clothes”, “woes”, etc.). The list will probably spur some free-wheeling, free-basing, free-association, and half the poem might just write itself for you.
Alcuin
(ps: if it doesn’t work, I'd get my money back on the drugs) (ps-ps: once you get this one done, you can do one on Fartin' Martin)

11- Jen on May 29 2007

I see what your saying and I appreciate everyones help.

Actually my brain is bleeding from this stupid nonsense poem right now. I think I need to step away from Snortin Norton before I punch him in the nose.

By the way I'm thinking, Fartin Martin and his Burping Butt

12- Jen on May 30 2007

I was thinking about Alcuin's advice and decided to give his suggestions a try.

I don't know if the new version is better or worse.

Thanks everyone