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Shakespeare's Monkeys

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The Bewitching Mist

Just gonna keep updating this

 

 

 

 

One bewitching night
When the moon was green

Six witches joined hands

On a wicked Halloween

 

Their long fingers crooked

Hair straggly and unkept

Black hats, pointy noses

Under the witching tree they crept

 

The moons shadow cast

An eerie green glow.

Their shrill cackles silenced,

By the call of a crow.

 

Caw!  Caw!  Caw!  The crow shrieked

Circling the pot as it flew

Spilling over the brim

Six witches stirred their strange brew

 

“Hocus, pocus!” They chanted.

“And slimy snail tails!

One, two, three, four

And five zombie finger nails!”

 

That black pot of spells sizzled.

It moaned and it hissed.

Soaring from the pot

Swirled a strange spooky mist.

 

The bewitching mist spread.

From the pot it did rise.

Swirling and whirling

Into the green, moonlit skies.


A spell had been cast.

A deed had been done.

Six witches danced in delight,

For their spell had begun.

 

The mist full of spells

Took off on a breeze.

It blew from the west,

Over land over seas.

 

Flashing through the night

Red, yellow and blue,

Speeding on its way

To Kalamazoo.

 

To the north and south,

Creeping along on its path.

Covering the planet

In an unstoppable wrath.

 

Alas, the mist flickered.

Its bright colors burned out.

For the spell was complete,

Beyond six witches doubt.

 

The spell worked its magic.

The mist spread its charm.

The witches weren’t evil.

They did not cause harm.

 

The mist that they made

From the strange spooky brew,

Was spell made for love,

That was long overdue.

 

For the world and its people

Awoke the next day,

To a world that was changed,

In the most bewitching way.

 

If you listen very closely

When the moon is green

You can hear the witch’s cackle,

“HAPPY HALOWEEN!”

 

 

 

 

Comments

1- Anstey on May 9 2007

I definitely think this needs some meter-tweaking. I'm just going to focus this time on the first stanza and a thought for a later one...I'll be back to this as I'm able though.

One wicked night
When the moon was green,
Six witches cast a spell
What a sight to be seen.

In that stanza, your two lines have a VERY strong cadence to it that is immediately tossed out in the next lines. I would suggest trying to nail the beat of "ONE wicked NIGHT/when the MOON was GREEN"

"SIX witches CAST a SPELL blah blah BLEEEE"

as opopsed to: "SIX witches CAST a SPELL what a SIGHT to be SEEN"" it's that extra anapestic foot in there that is bothering me.


Later in the piece, I just had an idea, I thought I'd share, it might suck...

“Hocus, pocus!” They chanted.
“And slimy snail tails!
One, two, three, four
And five zombie finger nails!”

why not:

Hocus! Pocus! they CHANTed
And Snaily Slime Tails!

For some reason the inversion seemed interesting to me there. Maybe nothing -- thought I'd let you decide.

 

 

 


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  • stephan

4- Anstey on May 10 2007

The mist it did spread.
From the pot it did rise.
Swirling and whirling
Into the green moonlight skies.
Looking at this stanza(or are these technically 'pages?'), there are a few things that bugged me.

  • The inverted order in lines 1 & 2. The first of the inversions is easy to fix, but the next one might be a bit tricky to maintain the rhyme.

  • wouldn't it be 'moonlit' not 'moonlight?'



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  • stephan

6- Anstey on May 10 2007

you afraid of a bit of work Jen? This is definitely fixable. We should find you an artist to work with too. Start adding pictures. Maybe if you sketched out the pics, it'd help you. If you need 32 pages, then write it that way. Go for the standard. This is workable. Don't back down because it's hard!
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  • stephan

8- Jasmine Mann on May 10 2007

The main thing this needs work on is the meter. Throughout the poem it has a beat somewhere, but it gets thrown off a lot. I think if you read it out loud that would help to see exactly where you stumble when you read it.

Like with the first stanza i think it would sound better if you had "joined" instead of "came":

"One dark night
When the moon was green
Six witches joined together
On a wicked Halloween."

And in the second stanza, i think it sounds awkward because "unkempt" and "crept" don't really rhyme so much, but here's my suggestion:

"Their hair was dark,
Straggly and unkempt,
Black hats, pointy noses,
Under the witching tree they crept."

And so on. I'm terrible at rhyming and not so good at meter, but i hope i helped. It's a promising poem. Keep us posted.


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Well, poop.


"Milk is for babies. When you grow up, you have to drink beer." - Arnold
Jennifer Ragan

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on May 9 2007
from Camillus, New York

Famous children's author....just nobody knows it yet
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