The Bewitching Mist

I definitely think this needs some meter-tweaking. I'm just going to focus this time on the first stanza and a thought for a later one...I'll be back to this as I'm able though.

One wicked night
When the moon was green,
Six witches cast a spell
What a sight to be seen.

In that stanza, your two lines have a VERY strong cadence to it that is immediately tossed out in the next lines. I would suggest trying to nail the beat of "ONE wicked NIGHT/when the MOON was GREEN"

"SIX witches CAST a SPELL blah blah BLEEEE"

as opopsed to: "SIX witches CAST a SPELL what a SIGHT to be SEEN"" it's that extra anapestic foot in there that is bothering me.

Later in the piece, I just had an idea, I thought I'd share, it might suck...

“Hocus, pocus!” They chanted.
“And slimy snail tails!
One, two, three, four
And five zombie finger nails!”

why not:

Hocus! Pocus! they CHANTed
And Snaily Slime Tails!

For some reason the inversion seemed interesting to me there. Maybe nothing -- thought I'd let you decide.

• stephan