Juggling Joe And His Talented Toe

I added a few new stanza and tweaked things here and there. Hopefully the rhythm is better and the new imagery will be more appealing. If you guys get a chance, please let me what you think. The big ape won't allow me to post a message...again:(

This is the story
Of juggling Joe
A juggling genius
With the world’s biggest toe

His juggling greatness
Of joggling joy
Brought fortune and fame
As Joe the toe boy

Joe’s talented toe
Was gifted and prized
Big as ten big toes
It was jumbo sized

Joe traveled the world
With his juggling show
Wowing the crowds
With his world famous toe

Oh, the things he could juggle
Would make your head spin
Joyfully juggling
With a big toothy grin

Off the tip of his toe
He’d merrily munch
Juggling his breakfast
His dinner and lunch

Spaghetti and meats balls
He’d slurp up each bite
Scrambling an egg
With bacon in flight

Dishes and glasses
He’d juggle with ease
Sofas and chairs
Were a joggling breeze

As Joe’s toe grew bigger
His fame grew too
His juggling greatness
Took him to the zoo

The crowd stood in awe
As Joe put on a show
Juggling three Bears
With just his big toe

A Moose and a Hippo
Flew through the air
Joyfully juggling
With fabulous flair

Joe’s talented toe
Made the crowd squeal
Until he slipped
On a banana peel

Down came the Hippo
The crowd yelled, “Oh no!”
Three Bears and a Moose
Fell on Joe’s toe!

The world’s biggest toe
Was crushed by a Moose
Three grumpy bears
And a Hippo’s caboose

And that is the story
Of juggling Joe
A juggling genius
With the world’s biggest broken toe

Comments

1- Tracey on Apr. 17 2007

I've been thinking about this all day today, and since I've got a bit of brain fog I don't know that my advice will be helpful, but I'll try!

I keep wondering about the imagery in the first few stanzas (1-5) and whether or not it's specific enough. I have a hard time imagining what kind of illustrations will accompany those stanzas. The other stanzas read with crystal clear, fun imagery.

I think there might be a few spots where the rhythm is a bit off, but you'd be better off asking one of our resident experts about that.

Stick with it!

2- Derma Kaput on Apr. 17 2007

I agree with Tracey about the rhythm, particularly in the final lines of at least half the stanzas. If this were mine, and it were for a children's book, I'd concentrate on a smooth, infectious rhythm, ala A.A. Milne. Lines like "With the world’s biggest toe" always seem to be upsetting the cadence that the preceding three lines establish. Add to that the idea that juggling is a very graceful application of rhythmic motions, and you get an idea that maybe your own rhythm in writing this should be extra smooth, except perhaps in the stanza where he drops everything. Of course, currently in that stanza, your rhythm is perhaps at its most impeccable.

Outside of that, I think this is an excellent book idea. With a good illustrator, I could imagine kids loving a story like this. I'd even consider adding more stanzas with an even greater escalation of ridiculous details - only because the idea is so ripe.

3- Jen on Apr. 18 2007

Thanks Tracey and Derma!

I really appreciate your comments and suggestions.

When I read it outloud it seems to flow pretty smoothly but since I wrote it, it's hard for me to tell. I think a few more stanzas would be make the story more visually appealing for an illustrator to work with too.

Since you both are having rhythm problems, there must be some. I've been researching what editors are looking for with rhyming picture book and now I'm more confused then before. Some say that each line has to have the exact same count while others say the rhythm flows better with similar counts but not exact.

I guess I'm just plain confused

4- Derma Kaput on Apr. 18 2007

I think you need to listen to the patterns of your stressed and unstressed syllables. If you use them right, you can make a poem sing.

5- Shannon McEwen on Apr. 18 2007

First of all Jen I can't tell you how wonderful it is to read your work again!

Second, I like this. It is definately marketable. I agree you could possible add imagery for pictures.

Some suggestions:

The line "As big as ten big toes" seems to have an extra beat. so my suggestion would be to either remove the "big" or add to the next line something like "It was SUPER jumbo size"

In the line "With a big grin" maybe add "With such a big grin"??

In the line "With out a care" there seems to be just a little thing missing but I can't point it out. Maybe saying it like "With not even a care"?

Lastly you can ignore all of my suggestions they are just that, becuase I love the poem and will read it to my son tonight before bed!

Life is what happens while you wait for great things.

6- Derma Kaput on Apr. 18 2007

this is much improved. I like the new stanzas.

7- Jen on Apr. 19 2007

Thanks!

I'm trying

8- Jen on Apr. 19 2007

Hi again,

I have one more question then I'll stop bothering you guys.

Which stanza do you like better:

Spaghetti and meat balls
He'd slurp up each bite
Scrambling an egg
With bacon in flight

Spaghetti and meat balls
He'd bounce off his toe
While scrambling an egg
And kneading bread dough

9- Derma Kaput on Apr. 20 2007

how about if I said I like them both equally? Maybe I lean toward the second because it incorporates the humungous toe.

10- Anstey on Apr. 20 2007

"
Hi again,

I have one more question then I'll stop bothering you guys.

Which stanza do you like better:

Spaghetti and meat balls
He'd slurp up each bite
Scrambling an egg
With bacon in flight

OR

Spaghetti and meat balls
He'd bounce off his toe
While scrambling an egg
And kneading bread dough

"

i prefer the action of bacon in flight visually far more than kneading dough.

for that reason alone, i'd go with it. One tends to assume you are eventually going to get this illustrated, and I think eyeing illustrateable verbs makes sense.

stephan

11- Jen on May 3 2007

Thanks everyone for the help! I really appreciate your time and efforts