Kat - Holy excorcism, batman!......[sorry, couldn't help myself]......a bit bumpy, but kudos for even trying......I like "yesterday's" slap in the face better than the "clinical" slap......clinical sounds too dry, perhaps?.....best line, imho: "where the ends of the earth meet impersonal space"......very poetic.....Kat
Aphasic - That's a valid point - it does sound dry, but meant to be that way - if you read 'records' in conjunction with 'clinical', does that help to clarify the purpose? If not, then I've failed miserably and either left too much unsaid, or tried to say too much
'Bumpy' is a fault for which I have no defence
Thanks Kat.
Leanne - I shall come back to aid in the de-bumping process after some serious caffeine and exorcism of the need to go back to my nice warm toasty bed pocket -- but I did want to stop by, tell you that your use of the refrains is inspired (yes, inspired, don't ask by whom, that's gift horse in the mouth territory so just shut up and take it). Also like the irony very much but I suspect this may be a fault in my ability to take anything seriously.
Aphasic - That's what makes irony so delicious :>
Are you saying you [or I] don't know who inspires me to try these things? I'm very happy with my Trojan gift-horse thank you Leanne - it really quite benificent...
Leanne - OK, I'm kind of reluctant to completely perfect the dactyls here so I'm going to plead the Hopkins and say it's sprung -- because it seems quite ok despite the odd syllable counts in places, with the slight alterations shifting the speed of the reading and working in your favour. So yeah, claim it's an Anglo-Saxon derivative, that's my suggestion. I have tidied a couple of little stress issues but they're very small alterations.
Everyone knew it was all in her head,
Demands for attention, the claims of disgrace,
Til yesterday gave her a slap in the face.
The devil appeared in the detail she read
She froze in the heat of his horny embrace,
Though everyone said it was all in her head
when attention was drawn to the claims of disgrace.
With yesterday's child safely tucked up in bed
countless lovers are lost in that nebulous place *
where the ends of the earth meet impersonal space.
As records will show, it was all in her head,
Demands for attention, the claims of disgrace.
What she needs is a clinical slap in the face.†
† It's not so awful as is, but it's a bit longish -- what about "she could do with a clinical slap in the face"?
Aphasic - Odd syllable counts !? Well, yes - it was an idea I was playing with (following on from the 'Optional Illusions' effort). First, a disclaimer - 'countless' would normally be considered an exceptional/prepended trochee, but for this exercise, I'm counting it as less, and pyrrhic in nature...then, reading from start to finish, and allowing a caesura (one unstressed syllable) to replace each of the stanza breaks, it should read as a string of dactyls throughout, until the final trucated foot. Of course scanning doesn't do that kind of stuff - it's all about syllables/feet/stresses per line - and my 'reading' of it is probably way off anyway. So, thank you for tidying it up
countless lovers are lost in that nebulous place *
- -- this line is just eew really, "countless lovers" has to be rushed rather unforgivably and nebulous is just... nebulously nowt. Really, this is the one in the whole piece that needs a serious rethink.
'countless lovers' - hmm - yeh, I guess it has to go. It was a kind of shorthand convenience, but I'll look for something else...
'nebulous' - is something, though indistinct, ill-defined, unclassified even...which is what I wanted to say, and it was actually the last piece to be fitted, influenced by 'space'. What do you think I need? Something less nebulous obviously - I could just say 'indistinct' or 'ill-defined', though that involves more stress problems and the latter sounds somewhat 'clinical', an impression I wanted to leave until the end - so, the whole line needs to be excised and replaced.
What she needs is a clinical slap in the face.†
† It's not so awful as is, but it's a bit longish -- what about "she could do with a clinical slap in the face"?
Longish? 'What she needs is a...' and 'She could do with a...' appear to be the same, syllable-wise, with similar stresses. So I'm assuming it's 'longish' in some other way - help me out here...
I seem to have poetic/prosodic 'blindspots' that need to be seriously addressed :>
Leanne - Longish in the feet, grasshopper. Your way is rushed-er than mine. Honestly, I don't know why, it's just a gut thing. I'm sure there's some academic reason for it... lost it in the laundry.
Leanne - As near to logical as I can explain it, "she could" can hang over from the last line and not break the "flow" (sorry, hate that word), whereas "what she" demands that it be read right away and not blend in... I like blending. Totally and absolutely a personal choice.
Aphasic - Yeh - I can see that, so it helps compensate for my messed up meter :>
As it was before, the line stood on its own as a seperate entity, disrupting the [puke alert] flow, although in that way, it also [in my dishevelled mind] made the statement serve as a question. I'm reading again, and think your version still does that, but more subtly. Subtlety is not in my repertoire at present [capricious bastard], but when it does finally return, I'm gonna kick seven kinds of shit out of it...
Kat -
if I'm interpreting the "countless lovers" line correctly, then you're referring to "her" imaginary lovers, no?......in which case I might be more specific.....maybe something like, "She misplaces lovers alone in that place"....Kat
Aphasic - Thanks Kat - I'm beginning to think that I've written this badly. I intended the first line to be metaphorical, and the 'countless lovers' line to be taken literally. Perhaps it should be completely re-written, or I should accept I'm not someone who can translate this subject matter into poetry.
Anyway, yes, your interpretation isn't wrong, it's just at variance with mine - I've lost control of my poem. I should get over myself :>
Leanne - Haha, now you sound like a poet!
You'll only like it for as long as it takes to be familiar enough with it to hate it.
Aphasic - Well, I've grown to hate it, so I guess it's finished. I just can't seem to get enough drama in my life.
Of course, that all changes when drama turns to crisis, and I start sounding like a poet, so I think I'll content myself with the occasional flush of toilet humour, like My Chemical Romance
[now I'm really not o'fuckin'kay]
Leanne - "Love-sticken"? Is that a typo or an act of violence? I like that line better now, by the way. Flush quietly lest you wake the sleeping dogs, they lie you know.
Aphasic - Yeh, it's a typo - 'twas meant to be 'lust-smutten', but that's another satori.
Thanks Leanne & Kat, for stickening with this until the better end :>
Celticlion - I love poems about my mother so I'm just going to clap my fins together. Everything else has been said, I think. Descending, C
Aphasic - Thank you for that C line of approbation Celtic - I'm sure I too would love poems about your mother if I were capable of such an emotional display :>
Since this commentfest appears to have descended into a C of cordial progression, I guess it's time to announce...
Le fin
(O of applause)
Rws - I've arrived late for the screening of this one, but I enjoy the finished product. Psychosis is definitely entertaining.
Bill
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