Anstey - You see one thing, but they want you to see another. I think this would be more effective in a he-saw/they-saw format. Imagine the ludicrousy of how they see themselves?
Interesting thoughts here Mos.
Josie - Question - Would you be willing to write another version of this poem from the exact opposite point of view? I think it might be very interesting.
Mosquitobyte - Probably not Josie, for I am far too much the realist to get inside the mind of that sort of stupidity.
Interesting thought though.
I might attempt it from the POV which Stephan suggests, more my kind of thing admittedly.
Mos.
Josie - I suggested it because I thought the poem, though good, was in a way too direct, if that makes sense to you. I am very, very new to poetry. In fact, I have only written one poem, so I have been hesitant to post comments here. But it did seem to me that the words of your poem didn't have the side-by-side tension of words that poems seem to need and that with the kind of underpinning that might come from two separate ideas being held within one structure, that might happen. No matter. Just an idea.
Jen - I like the idea of the POV thing . I think it would make this a lot stronger. Here are a few sugestions, they are simple but, that's me. I'm sure you would be better;)
"I see you there"
I know you see me
"Sneering at me"
As I sneer at you
"Me and my unacceptable politics"
(Something about "you" here)
"My mind terrifies you
Full as it is"
Doesn't it
And so on and so forth
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