I will speak my life

I will speak my life
across your hands
so you can feel

the fog coming at night
in the hills
of San Luis Obispo,

the cable cars
turning at Third and Howard,
moving to Chinatown,

Muir Woods
on the way to Mendocino,
on the way north.

I will speak in verse
of rivers
in the Yukon,

of bear and moose,
of tundra
yellow as gold.

and I will pour
northern lights
around your face,

electric halo
softening the years
in your eyes,

as they close
when we kiss.

Kat -
ohh, this one had me until the -- very -- last -- line......no, no, don't end this great poem with a kiss[!]......though I'm sure your intention was grand, the last line is a let-down in creativity......let's see....."as they close/ and [something very breathtakingly poetic]"......or anything as haunting as "the fog coming at night in the hills of San Luis Obispo".....or "electric halo softening the years in your eyes"......please, no kiss

.....Kat

Norm -
you are right! thank you. I'm going to put up an edited version.

Anstey -
Actually, I totally agree with Laura, but I'd also like to add that you almost lost me with S1. It just seemed like something I'd read a thousand times before, and then you go and be awesome (which is apparently your thing) .. until the last line, which isn't horrible but I do agree with Laura that it's a bit on the trite side, which verges on tragic when the rest of a poem is so good.

Aphasic -

Naturally, I feel compelled to agree entirely with Laura here, though my instinct tells me that Tracey's idea holds more credence in this instance. Anstey, by contrast, is obviously suffering the ravages of pre-senile dementia, so you can disregard entirely his incoherent drivel :>

As for the poem, I do [belatedly] agree with Kat's suggestion, which you've already acted upon, to good effect. Although now a superfluous suggestion, I feel that a reference to 'hands' would have been more appropriate and natural in bringing this to a conclusion.