Inversion - Shakespeare's Monkeys

Inversion

I
We shall call him Possibility.
He never spoke his name,
though he made a point to say hers
matter-of-factly many times,
as if he were folding it into
memory to be looked upon again,
when the kids had gone to bed
and attachment seemed less confining.

II
She talked easily about herself,
her children, her life,
her resemblance to a married woman.
She blushed quietly when he asked
her out for coffee, noting the
likeness of their faces in shadows
of dim light and mild truths.

III
Where are they now,
those moments we stole and fit
into the seams of our pockets
with spare change we won't admit
to having if someone were to ask.
When the day has become still,
they rally together,
rising up much as a soul would
if asked to become something
more than it's able of being.
Metaphor draws in close,
as if hypothetical change
and moments captured in a
hypothetical pocket could so
closely adhere themselves to hope.

IV
I drink my coffee, alone,
gray ghosts trail silently
from my lips where intimacy
used to gather in the subtle shift
of noontime to evening when
conversation came undigested.
I bow down to hear the dry cough
of what life remains here.

V
But what light will rise up this day?
Will the draft of non being catch
unannounced in a stray bit of glossy
recollection and beckon me?
Only an empty soul can remain
within it's grave of walls where dust
is content to bide itself unstirred,
never to be transformed into
a small glimpse of possibility
in the hours of morning's prime.

VI
Mild truths prefer dim shadows
where daydreams are the blisters our
tongues become fraught with.
The hoarse whisper of hope begins
to separate body and dream.
And we find ourselves ending here,
somewhere in the distance between
coffee with a stranger and the
subtle realization, this too will scar,
and the soul stirs, lending itself
momentarily to revelation.

Comments

Anstey -

I would capitalize the p in possibility.

IV

this is the 'moment' in the poem i think, and the strongest of the lot. The emotion peaks here and the examination that follows seems a bit of a let down to me. I think the last stanza is also very good, and I'm mixed on whether the titular inversion work or not there.

'this day' doesn't really work for me, why not 'today?'

non-being should be hyphenated i think.

VI
We all begin here, in these details.
Mild truths prefer dim shadows
where daydreams are the blisters our
tongues become fraught with.
The hoarse whisper ...

I'm not generally a fan of ending on an elipses, but this didnt' bother me. L2-5 are a bit hard to follow, but I think reasonably clear.

I definitely like what you're doing here.

Kat -

Stephan made some insightful comments and suggestions......I might only disagree with the minor detail of "this day" vs. "today".......I like "this day"......that said, I absolutely LOVE this poem.....you tell a story AND contemplate its meaning.......it's insightful, philosophical, and poignant without being maudlin.......the journey from personal to universal and back again is well balanced and nuanced......and damn fine poetry.....Kat

Mosquitobyte -
You know, I do believe you've outstripped my meagre talent..... :(

Derma Kaput -

I'll leave the critiquing to others, because I just don't have the time today. But, I will fawn just a bit. Outside of some typos and little nit-picky things, I thought this was a fabulous poem. And by that, I mean really terrific.

Okay. I'm done fawning. Nice job Mandy.

Someday In May -

Skeeter...

Your talent is by no means meagre...misunderstood mostly, but brilliant to those who can see deeper. A sincere thank you...for everything.

Derma...

I wish you would nit-pick. I love this piece. I think I have unraveled a new voice in this piece. I would hate for that to be overshadowed by small details that could be distracting.

Thank you, Thank you.

Someday In May -

Kat...

You have made my day...my week probably. I am grateful.

Sinnaminsun -

You always write so elloquently pretty, and I found no exception in this one. There is a sad, melancholy thread which runs through your poem, and I think a lot of readers will relate to it. Wonderfully, creative imagery throughout too:)

Aphasic -

Hi Amanda - as no-one seems to have picked up on your plea for 'nit-picking', I hope you don't mind if I make a few observations...

I
L4 I'm not sure you need 'very' there - it's either matter of fact or not...but I would suggest than something like 'matter-of-factly, over and over' might sound more natural (than 'many times').

II
L1-2 'She is talking both 'about' and 'of' which amount to the same thing - I would use one or the other (e.g. 'about herself/her children, her life')

III
L7 'rally together' - I think 'they rally' implies that it is happening in concert, so 'together' is not really needed there. You could change the following line to 'rise together'. Also 'rally' and 'soul' are not natural partners? Rally seems like something that would apply to spirits (morale) or mood, but not souls. Perhaps you could find an alternative, like 'revive' ('they revive, rising
together as a soul would'?).

L10 'capable of being' rather than 'able of being' I think.

L 12-15 I'm not sure the singular ('itself') is grammatically correct there - 'hypothetical changes/and moments...' + 'adhere themselves to hope.' would solve the problem.

IV
L6 'that' seems to cloud the meaning - something like 'and conversation/ came(or flowed, or even passed) undigested' would make the meaning of lines 5 & 6 clearer.

V
L3 'bit of' is, well, a bit bitty :> You could have 'a stray bite of glossy/recollection', which would link in with 'catch'? Or, 'a pale echo of glossy'recollection'?

L7 If you're using 'bide' with the meaing 'endure/remain', then I think 'itself' is unnecessary there.

L 10 'morning's prime' (apostrophe to insert) if you mean 'the prime of morning'.

VI
L 3-4 not sure about 'tongues become fraught with' - it sounds a little awkward - you could condense both lines into something like 'where daydreams blister our tongues'?

L 10 'to' should be 'too'

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That's probably too 'nit-picky', but you did ask Derma for suggestions - I may be a poor substitute but at least you have a response Amanda :> And as you say, it would be a shame not to tidy up what is an intense and atmospheric piece of writing. Whatever the worth of my comments, your poem is well worth turning into the 'finished article'.

Amanda Baker -

Thank you Aphasic. I really need that on this one. I did make several of the changes you suggested.