Inversion

Hi Amanda - as no-one seems to have picked up on your plea for 'nit-picking', I hope you don't mind if I make a few observations...

I
L4 I'm not sure you need 'very' there - it's either matter of fact or not...but I would suggest than something like 'matter-of-factly, over and over' might sound more natural (than 'many times').

II
L1-2 'She is talking both 'about' and 'of' which amount to the same thing - I would use one or the other (e.g. 'about herself/her children, her life')

III
L7 'rally together' - I think 'they rally' implies that it is happening in concert, so 'together' is not really needed there. You could change the following line to 'rise together'. Also 'rally' and 'soul' are not natural partners? Rally seems like something that would apply to spirits (morale) or mood, but not souls. Perhaps you could find an alternative, like 'revive' ('they revive, rising
together as a soul would'?).

L10 'capable of being' rather than 'able of being' I think.

L 12-15 I'm not sure the singular ('itself') is grammatically correct there -  'hypothetical changes/and moments...' + 'adhere themselves to hope.' would solve the problem.

IV
L6 'that' seems to cloud the meaning - something like 'and conversation/ came(or flowed, or even passed) undigested' would make the meaning of lines 5 & 6 clearer.

V
L3 'bit of' is, well, a bit bitty :> You could have 'a stray bite of glossy/recollection', which would link in with 'catch'? Or, 'a pale echo of glossy'recollection'?

L7 If you're using 'bide' with the meaing 'endure/remain', then I think 'itself' is unnecessary there.

L 10 'morning's prime' (apostrophe to insert) if you mean 'the prime of morning'.

VI
L 3-4 not sure about 'tongues become fraught with' - it sounds a little awkward - you could condense both lines into something like 'where daydreams blister our tongues'?

L 10 'to' should be 'too'

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That's probably too 'nit-picky', but you did ask Derma for suggestions - I may be a poor substitute but at least you have a response Amanda :> And as you say, it would be a shame not to tidy up what is an intense and atmospheric piece of writing. Whatever the worth of my comments, your poem is well worth turning into the 'finished article'.