Akinesia - Shakespeare's Monkeys

Akinesia

Before you left you told me I'd be paralyzed by my anger,
my bitterness, and my terrible gnawing fears.
I am thinking of the continuation
of your fingernails fully grown
and pressed into my stomach like
weathered tacks, and I, splintered wood and soft.

I say your name, slurred words into the drainage,
waiting for an echo that won't come.
And I water the same old flowers that you left here, dying--
much like the old bemoaning faucet,
and your seltzer water, never drunk nor disposed.

And when I put your trousers on the floor,
spread them out the width of your legs,
I do not get inside them.
I lay next to them instead, and squint my eyes to penny slits,
and you are there, almost all of you not breathing.
I bang my head against the hardwood,
until I actually believe it.

Shan -

First, i really like this. Second, I haven't commented in a long while so my comments or suggestions may be shit.

What I like"

Love the descriptions, especially "penny slits"

My suggestions:

It reads a bit too wordy, almost like a monologue and not a poem to me. I say eliminate ruthlessly any words that do not add value and take another peak at it. I bet your decriptive, to the point words will have even more strength.

----- Life is what happens while you wait for great things.

Life is what happens while you wait for great things.

Emeya -

I agree with Shan about the write being too wordy, though it didn't read like a monologue. It just feels like it needs to be trimmed up. Also, maybe separate the last two lines. Those lines, I think, should stand on their own, alone.

The way your first two lines play subtly throughout the write is very well done. At first I wanted a better transition, but then it speaks for itself. Because there is a quietness in grief, even when anger, bitterness and fear are harbored. It's a matter of coping and coping with coping. I especially liked the bit about the fingernails, because I remember thinking that. I remember being so troubled by that.

Great write.

~Emeya