Akinesia

First, i really like this.  Second, I haven't commented in a long while so my comments or suggestions may be shit.

 What I like"

Love the descriptions, especially "penny slits"

My suggestions:

 It reads a bit too wordy, almost like a monologue and not a poem to me.  I say eliminate ruthlessly any words that do not add value and take another peak at it.  I bet your decriptive, to the point words will have even more strength.

----- Life is what happens while you wait for great things.