Rene' - Just a small thought/suggestion as I read through this one;
"The bloodied handle proof
As you leave me
As I heal
My mind starts to bleed
You are unaffected"
Moving this one line would not change the meaning of the words but would give you the same word in the ending line as in the beginning line and it seems quite appropriate to the poem. Again, I like your words!
----- just wandering the maze of hallways in my bent mind!
I am orbiting, I don't know where, but I am orbiting something!
Mosquitobyte - hmmm, your idea has some merit. I'll take it under consideration and see what may come of it.
Mos
Derma Kaput - Rene made an excellent suggestion, in my opinion, largely because it breaks the somewhat monotonous rhythm of the lines - which currently sound rather flat and weepy. By incorporating repetition and changing the order of a few, you break up the monotony, create a more varied grammatical rhythm and let the strengths of what you've written shine through a little more clearly. A little enjambment wouldn't hurt either, or a more nuanced approach to language. But again, this poem is several years old. Do you really intend to work on it?
Mosquitobyte - I considered Rene's comments and have made some changes, perhaps not quite in the direction suggested however. I had to agree with Derma's comments here also. Then again, as I know what this about, I can see why it was so "weepy".
Having said all that, I think it is a stronger, more cohesive piece now and thank Rene & Derma for their input.
End.
Mos.
Rene' - I really like the change! It gives more impact to the ending now, makes it stronger and pulls more emotion from the reader. Well done and thank you for letting me play with your lines there.
----- oops, I think I must have made a wrong turn...
I am orbiting, I don't know where, but I am orbiting something!
Mosquitobyte - Thanks again Rene. I've been editing theses as I'm posting them and most are reasonably simple changes. Despite that though, I've always found it hard to read my own stuff, partly because of the memories it stirs but mainly because I tend to think I'm shite. he he.
Rene' - I know what you mean about stirring the memories. I have been doing some revisions on some old stuff of mine and I was amazed at how hard the words hit me. I even tried reading them from the bottom up, focusing on one line at a time....that didn't work either.
shite huh? hmmmm, I will keep that in mind when I read!!!LOL
----- oops, I think I must have made a wrong turn...
I am orbiting, I don't know where, but I am orbiting something!
Derma Kaput - I think about editing old poems all the time, but find it very difficult. One reason, as you allude to, is that old poetry does seem like shit - we move on and improve. Another is that all the elements that make a poem - thoughts, feelings, rhythm, vocabulary - all change as well. I find it difficult to get into the same mode from which the poem originally sprang and thus the editing feels uncohesive.
One request I'd make of you, mosquitobyte, is that you stop flooding the site with your old poems for awhile - it not only has a tendency to make us disregard what you're posting, but also tends to bury whatever anybody else has posted. Many of us turn to the Latest Articles page to see what's new. Maybe you could limit yourself to one a day for awhile? I find you to be an interesting poet and would enjoy seeing either your favorites or what you're currently writing. As it is now, I just see an endless (though certainly prolific) stream of titles from which I can only randomly choose.
Invite participants
Share at Facebook
Share at Twitter
Share at LinkedIn
Reference this page