Leanne - The shift from her to I needs more distinction, I think -- the idea is clever but it's not clearly defined yet. I'd say the best way to achieve this is with line breaks to make it more obviously deliberate, like:
he dropped her
on the rug, watching as I
puddled into two small mounds.
All that was left of me
now lay...
Also, I think you could probably just have "gray carpet", I'm not sure that "piece of" is required. I'd also suggest a line break right at the end, putting "nothingness" or even "into nothingness" on a separate line. I do think it's only that last stanza that needs attention, because the first couple set it up beautifully and the idea itself is outstanding.
Rene' - I do like those line breaks better and it does emphasize the transition from her to I much more. As always, thank you for your time and consideration, it means so much to me.
----- just wandering the maze of hallways in my bent mind!
I am orbiting, I don't know where, but I am orbiting something!
Alcuin of York - I think Leanne (as usual) is right, and I don't think you've gone far enough with her suggestion. (I'm not certain how much you've already changed this.) It isn't necessary (but not at all bad, either) that you use the 3rd person when speaking from his perspective, but it does complicate things. Perhaps you could change the physical structure so that the 2 stanzas about him are indented or italicized or both. This would emphasize and clarify the different perspective. That would require your last stanza to be split after the word "watching" (with an ellipse attached) and to continue (with ellipse) in your voice.
Just an idea to jar something loose. Hope it helps.
Alcuin
PS - Leanne's also right that the idea is outstanding.
Rene' - Trying this revision on for size...
----- just wandering the maze of hallways in my bent mind!
I am orbiting, I don't know where, but I am orbiting something!
Leanne - I'm just stopping in before breakfast (so, pre-coffee) but I did want to say that I've read over this and think it's shaping up as one of your definitive pieces -- really powerful and exciting.
Rene' - A little more tightening, a little more playing with line breaks, and few (very few) more words. I am really falling in love with this piece! And also, a hearthfelt thank you to you Leanne...
thank you as well, Sir Alcuin.
----- just wandering the maze of hallways in my bent mind!
I am orbiting, I don't know where, but I am orbiting something!
Leanne - Just one more obvious spot that I can see -- the punctuation in the first stanza needs addressing, eg:
The glass was full.
Tender emotions,
carefully contained
within the boundaries
of a plastic cylinder.
The only comparisons I can think to make here are with Plath's writing -- and where she was all woe is me and gosh it's hard, your words are strong and empowering. Been downtrodden, got new boots, making your own footprints.
Rene' - You are right, it needs a period there and then start a new sentence. I also found where I had left a word out further down the page. Thank you Leanne, you make me think and I LOVE that.
----- just wandering the maze of hallways in my bent mind!
I am orbiting, I don't know where, but I am orbiting something!
Rene' - Yes, they make all the difference in the world. I love having the first line read like a statement. It is bolder that way and really seems to set the mood.
----- just wandering the maze of hallways in my bent mind!
I am orbiting, I don't know where, but I am orbiting something!
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