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I think Leanne (as usual) is right, and I don't think you've gone far enough with her suggestion. (I'm not certain how much you've already changed this.) It isn't necessary (but not at all bad, either) that you use the 3rd person when speaking from his perspective, but it does complicate things. Perhaps you could change the physical structure so that the 2 stanzas about him are indented or italicized or both. This would emphasize and clarify the different perspective. That would require your last stanza to be split after the word "watching" (with an ellipse attached) and to continue (with ellipse) in your voice.
Just an idea to jar something loose. Hope it helps.
Alcuin
PS - Leanne's also right that the idea is outstanding.
by Alcuin of York on Jan. 2 2008