HANDS - Shakespeare's Monkeys

HANDS

just another thought/idea..

Hands, new, chubby fingers

clasped in joy’s young laughter

skips over fields of tender

green clover as

reflections shine

in bright

childlike eyes.

Hands holding pose of

graceful youth’s lovers,

stroll with smiles sparkling

as eyes twinkle

showing mutual

adoration.

Hands, wrinkled and old,

entwined. Legs side by side,

touching, as porch

swing glides in fall’s

meandering breeze,

wafting with faded memories

of a long love still blazing

through opaque

eyes.

Hands,

mine are empty.

Comments

Alcuin of York -

Hmmm, Rene. You say you have lotsa irons in the fire, but here's another 'alone' poem. I'd say you're subconscious is taking a wider view of life. That's good.

The general structure of the poem is a bit too obvious - rather like some of mine (see "Static Electricity"). I liike the general idea a lot, and the last line set apart is a definite zinger - actually 'makes' the poem. I can think of 2 ways to go here: 1) Combine the first 3 stanzas into 1 and change tenses. This offers flexibility.
2) Leave as is structurally, but tighten the language, reducing the verbs. Ex: Toddlers skip through fields / green clover / clasped hands / joy-glowed eyes.

Hope this helps. You've got a good thought here.

Alcuin

Rene -

Yes, Alcuin, it is another alone poem yet...in its lines is so much more than being alone. I do miss holding hands with the one I love. I miss who he used to be, way before I felt compelled to leave him. My irons will keep me busy, occupied, and sort of satisfied BUT I do have my moments. I will not be afraid to be alone. The ones who are moving out are my six year old grandson(whom I have raised and is now going back to my daughter), my brother who almost died this year and I nursed back to health, and my oldest son who has been my rock since I left his dad.

Now, to the poem, I like your ideas and have tried to incorporate some of them into the revision. What do you think now?

----- Rene'

I am orbiting, I don't know where, but I am orbiting something!

Alcuin of York -

Better, but not complete. You're on the right track, I think. Let me just give you the parts that sound 'off' to me.

"glows in bright / young eyes"; "shine / reciprocated"; "still glowing / eyes". Mary Oliver wrote that she revises her poems as many as 50 times; don't be concerned about going back to this to pick at it for days or even weeks. It's normal.

The only real objection I have is the placement of the word "faded". Which is faded - the 'long years' or the 'love'?

Alcuin

Rene -

Not to fear, I am not worried about revisions. As a matter of fact, I actually love them. I learn so much more in the process of the work evolving than I do at any other time of writing. I like your ideas and I hadn't really thought about the placement of 'faded' too much until you brought it up. I really like to think of both the eyes and the long years being faded but I can see where clarification is needed on both counts.

----- Rene'

I am orbiting, I don't know where, but I am orbiting something!

Rene -

I have the picture in my head, I am trying to find the right words to show you. I am getting closer now (I think I am anyway)! I know there will be more work to be done but the vision is becoming clearer now.

----- Rene'

I am orbiting, I don't know where, but I am orbiting something!

Alcuin of York -

It's interesting that you mention 'picture'. People have asked me how I write my work. I've usually told them that a phrase or two will pop into my head and I take it from there. However, lately I've come to realize that I do my best writing when I have an image in my mind. Often it's some abstract notion, and if I write TO the picture, coming up with metaphors that describe it, the result seems to be better. The other thing I'm discovering is that often if I just free-associate to the image for a few minutes, something gets jogged loose. Maybe some similar technique will work for you.

Alcuin

Leanne -

I really like the premise here, I'm a big fan of mapping like this. I do think the format could do with some small tweaking though, and my first thought was to start each stanza with the word "hands", which would only require changes in the last couple, say:

Hands, wrinkled, entwined

and, maybe:

Hands:
Mine are empty

Rene' -

Thank you Leanne. I hadn't noticed that before but I really like it.

----- Ronymae was here

I am orbiting, I don't know where, but I am orbiting something!

Leanne -
Well what do you know, that does make a difference! It's the little things, eh? I think those last lines seem a lot more poignant now, without even a hint of self pity. Lovely.

Rene' -

'without even a hint of self pity'...that is the clencher for me! You totally got what I was going for and I am so HAPPY. Thank you for taking time to comment and make suggestions.

----- fairy dust, I want fairy dust for Christmas please.

I am orbiting, I don't know where, but I am orbiting something!