Leanne - Essentially, the words are good here but they're not creating a mood for me at all. While you go from shorter, faster lines (which should seem either angry, matter-of-fact or breathless depending on the sounds you use) to slightly longer, more pleading lines after "affairs of the heart" (a badly overused cliche, I'm sorry to say), the contrast is not as clear as it ought to be and I think you're missing a very good opportunity to make the line lengths in particular work for you.
For example, instead of:
This is his abode
Where his heart resides
Think about something a bit "punchier", even simpler (you don't need posh stuff in the first part, it's more suited to the second):
This is where
His heart resides
Also, are you absolutely certain you mean "shriven" and not "shrivelled"?
My suggestion is to pare down the language in the first part, make it sparse, then lush it up a bit in the second (though you'll need to do a quick cliche check as well).
Mosquitobyte - aaah yes, cliches....
I do hate them, though they also have their uses.
All your comments are very noteworthy and I have improved dramatically since 2005 in that regards. As for "posh" words, well, they're just words, ones I happen to use on a regular basis, so to me, they're just plebian words as it were. Having said that, your adjustment does make sense, not that I'll change anything. Now that it's over 2 years old, it can stay as it is, else how will people see the improvement in my style over the years.
Appreciate the comments as always.
Mos.
Leanne - Not changing anything is weird to me. What do you post on a workshop for? (Not an indictment, just a question). By the way, I don't mean don't use posh words at all, since I do all the time, I mean there are times to avoid them as they make a line more complicated than it needs to be, usually just by excess syllables.
Mosquitobyte - All comments regarding my work are taken into account, though I only tend to change recent pieces. This is not to say I don't change some older pieces. Some of the pieces from Early Bytes and Nigrescent Vermillion have been subtly changed from the originals.
The input of considered opinions such as yours, and the many others on this site, allow me to see how I can improve my writing whilst still maintaining my specific style of writing, which is to let it bleed from me in a mad rush. As I age; I hesitate to say mature, I find myself taking more care with word choice, tense etc. Input such as yours does not go to waste, I assure you. Moreso seeing as it's a marked improvement over the "pat on the back" or religious diatribes I tended to receive on certain other sites.
As always Leanne, keep commenting, you will be heeded, though it may not come to light immediately.
Mos.
Leanne - 
My ego's not so fragile that if you don't take any of my advice I'll stop giving it... I just run across a lot of people who resent it, so I'm glad to find out you're not one of them. Mosquitobyte - How could I not attend to the wisdom of someone with such an understanding of the history of the Australian psyche as it applies ot poetry....he he.......yes, I read your article, very insightful.
Gungalo - I personally like this and more than likely because I know it is soooo you!!! See there, now I have found you over here monkeying around as usual. Your implementation of vocabulary here is precise and drives home the point of a love fallen to chill. Interesting how you string them all together to submit a final piece of poetic imagery here. I do like this one!!! MUAH.
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