When I'm Forty-Seven

It was your smile....
open and true as a cloudless sky,
inviting me to sing with you
the sacred song of cardinals.

And like a curious child,
I followed your smile
into the depths of azure light,
where you held me, unashamed.

For all was taken once more
as the seas emptied themselves,
then filled - then emptied again,
pouring seasons into an abyss.

Yet still, you sit with me -
sculpting words slowly, gently,
as a gentle man; an honest man
telling me....I am yours.

Anstey -
Rather than comment on this as poetry, i'll say -- the sentiment is incredibly touching.
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stephan

U668857 -
Lovely tone-poem this, Kat. I like the form too with the symmetry of the predominantly 4-stress lines. It suggests a deep mentoring affection or love expressed through a lyrical elementalism...Rgds.,Alan.

Alcuin of York -

Won't ever get set to country music or metal, but yes, it is a nice sentiment.

Great first stanza, then downhill. The "from before" phrase is very awkward - perhaps just 'from the past' would fit your meaning. Same with "gently, as a gentle man". Needs a bit of work. Obviously, the poem will never be as good as the relationship, but it can be brought closer.

Alcuin

Tracey -

Hmm. Sweet entry, though I wonder if the "sacred song of Cardinals" bears a little explanation. A nature lover like myself appreciates it; don't know that everyone would.

The word "obedience" interwoven with sentiments of lasting love don't work for me. Perhaps it presses some age-old buttons within me; it feels stifling.

Third stanza feels too vague and woo-woo and too close to cliche.

Fourth makes me wonder about the whole piece -- the sentiments of this narrator are lovely, so why would the man be ashamed, and why wouldn't he want the narrator -- know what I mean?

I don't feel like this is there yet, but I like where it's going. I think there's a dearth of really great contempory poetry on really great love.

Kat -
thanks everyone, I appreciate all the comments.....I wrote this as a spiritual poem, which is difficult to do without evoking a wide range of emotions.....which may be a good thing......some of the imagery may not resonate the same with all readers.....what I'm looking for would be any specific suggestions for improvement.....if something feels too vague or not connected, please let me know if you have any ideas for editing, and I will honestly evaluate it for use within the poem......though at the end of the day, some poetry may not satisfy everyone's taste.....Kat

Anstey -
I wanted to just chime in, as a non-nature lover... wait, that's bogus. How about this... I'm a nature lover who has never heard of the sacred song of cardinals..however, that phrase exploded with me. I loved it. It was my favorite line of the piece.
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stephan

Anstey -
And Kat, that's a great comment there, helping us focus on what you are needing from us in a polite way. I also appreciate that you reciprocate. Thank you so much.
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stephan

Rws -

Whatever was done to form the final/latest draft of this write has left me with little to say. The tone throughout is as gentle as the last few lines; full of wonder and serene happiness. That is a rare accomplishment considering how easily this could have stumbled into a cliche. Very nicely done.

Bill

Derma Kaput -

I'm glad this floated up to the top again. Sometimes there's nothing wrong with a simple poem that conveys honest sentiment. As if everything needs to live up to some poetic pantheon of highminded verse, with common (or overused) words being verbotten. In other words, I like this poem. Further, unspoken references to the moon are interesting too, not to mention the interesting way of describing tides as a metaphor.

Then again, as a 47 year old word sculpter who loves cardinals, maybe I'm biased