The Connection - Shakespeare's Monkeys

The Connection

don't quite know what to put here!

I float on wings

made of angels heartstrings -

translucent, soft,

strong.

Folding them tightly,

to encompass my soul,

within their sweetly perfumed

cocoon,

I protect myself

from you.

You fly with appendages

that are blackened

like old leather-

hardened, opaque,

tattered.

The wind from your futile flapping

smells acrid, stale,

much like your withered

soul.

Your screams are heard

deep in my soul,

your tears burn

my tender heart with flames

of blue and orange.

Hateful words spewing

from your lips

puncture my heart

like daggers,

bringing my blood

to drip at your feet.

Yet,

unable to separate my soul

from yours,

all I can do

is hang on tight as…

I am pulled along

by the vortex

of your

twisted mind.

Comments

Rhiannon Jones -
I like this! It really pulled something out of me. I think I'd find a word other than "gossamer" -- kind of cliche?

Tracey -

Hey Rene, I really like the message here, the undeniable connections between certain people, even if their connection doesn't do either soul any (obvious) good. I'm not wild about the delivery just yet. I think there's more cliche than not. If I were you I'd stick with it -- those kinds of connections are fascinating & maddening which you only touch on ever so slightly in your last stanza. More of that, please.

Rene -
Thank you both so very much! I appreciate the time to comment on this piece and yes it is still very rough. This is the first draft as I have made no changes to it since it hit me at 2 a.m. this morning. Now I will go back and start on the rewrites....again, many thanks for your comments
-----
Rene'

I am orbiting, I don't know where, but I am orbiting something!

Oldagyz -
Meow tracey, and I whole-heartedly agree.

Rene -
Second draft now.......help?
-----
Rene'

I am orbiting, I don't know where, but I am orbiting something!

Oldagyz -
From what I remember I seemed to prefer the first draft... this seems different, the pace has totally changed? (or maybe im just more tired xD)

Alcuin of York -
Great write!

One suggestion concerns the last 4 lines of S1. The "from you within their sweetly perfumed cocoon" has a dual meaning. Sometimes a writer wants that, but clearly not in this case. I think it would be stronger as:

within their sweetly perfumed
cocoon
I protect myself
from you.

Another suggestion: S2L6: "feckless" or "futile" instead of useless, depending on which meaning applies best.

Finally, S4L2: Delete "being"; and L4: Delete "that". Both are unnecessary and dilute the whallop of this stanza (and quite a whallop it is!).

One nit: "Angst-filled".

Alcuin

Rene -

Thank you so much Oldagyz and Alcuin! Yes (Oldagyz) I think the pace did change a little. I tried to get rid of some of the old cliche words and use something a little different. I also added some of what Tracey was asking for....more on the pain side of this attachment!

Thank you Alcuin, your suggestions are always appreciated and so right on the target as well! I always love to have others perspectives, they always seem to help me see things in a different light!

Many thanks to all of you.....

-----
Rene'

I am orbiting, I don't know where, but I am orbiting something!