The duty of roses

When laid heavily
roses perform savagery
on the lips of orchids.

Snarled against thorn
and thought.

Onerous breath brought
by love’s retreat
pulls petal from stem.

Beauty remembers
when hands held roses
who knew nothing
of death.

When love was a sonnet
whispered gently

through hopeful tuned ears.

Alcuin of York -
Actually, I think "lain" is incorrect. I believe it should be "laid" or "lying", dependent on your intended meaning.

I also think it should be "pulls petals".

One suggestion for L8: Beauty remembers / when hands held roses / who knew nothing of death.

The whole poem has some very nice, even if sorrowful, thoughts.

Alcuin

Someday In May -

Thanks Alcuin.

I made a couple of changes based on your comment. Though in line 8, I want to keep the imagery of hands holding, not holding roses. But changing it from "when hands would hold" to "when hands held" makes it feel awkward to me.

-----
...but what do I know?

Alcuin of York -

No, it's what do I know? If it feels awkward to you, do it the way that feels right. In the end, each poet is his/her own final editor.

Alcuin

Leanne -

Mandi, beautifully subtle rhymes here make this sound sublime -- though I'm tripping on those same lines and I wonder what you think of something like:

"Beauty a memory
of holding hands when roses
knew nothing of death."

otherwise you're stuck with some superfluous words that actually detract from the smooth rhythms of the piece.

Also, upon in the last line doesn't sound quite right -- what about something like "through hopeful tuned ears"?

You'll note I have no suggestions at all for the first half -- that's because it's quite brilliant

Someday In May -

Thank you Leanne.

FINE...I give.

I have played with this until I am sick of looking at it. I think there are just some poems I will never be satisfied with. I do like the suggestions you made. They work better than any I have tried...so we'll call it finished.