Dearest - Shakespeare's Monkeys

dearest

draft - still

leaving
the first time
(exits from life get easier)

unliving expectations
undone, unlived
tangled.

first, crawling
then, hiding.

this actually hurts.

Tracey -
I'm intrigued, but am admittedly not "getting it" yet. Worth sticking with and bringing further to life.

Callooh -

Tracey:

thanks Tracey ... you're right, of course, I haven't been able to write anything worth reading since the accident... sigh.

suggestions welcome!

Alcuin of York -

Well, I don't get it either, but you might try taking the dog / cat strophe and starting your write with that set of ideas. That might break a few things loose. The point is, let the words flow, let them flow.

Alcuin

Callooh -

Alcuin of York:

hope you don't mind, but I tossed that chunk... you are right, it needed a serious smacking. I might have just made it worse.... groan!

Alcuin of York -

Well, sometimes it helps to just get a piece of paper and a pen (no computer) and start writing in a partially free-associating style to get a better handle on what you want to say. Don't try to write poetry. Don't concern yourself with phrasing, line breaks, cadence, etc. Just write to yourself WHAT's on your mind that you're trying to express.

That method often begins the process by telling you the WHAT to write about, and WHAT to say. I hope this helps.

Alcuin

Someday In May -
I seemed to have found some understanding in this. Though it may not have been what was intended. I really liked the way it was written. I came back this morning to read again and I see you have done just a tad of editing...lol. I hope you work this one out, I am anxious to see where it goes.
-----
...but what do I know?

Jen -

I like what you wrote. I think it just needs more content or imformation.

First stanza:

Why are you leaving?

How does it get easier?

"leaving
the first time
(exits from life get easier)"

Second stanza:

You used the same word "unliving/unlived" twice and close together. I think you need a different word. I also think you need to explain the unlived expectations. It seems too vague.

"unliving expectations
undone, unlived
tangled."

Third stanza:

Are you crawling to or away from something?

What are you hiding from?

How and why does it hurt?

"first, crawling
then, hiding.

this actually hurts."

Just some suggestions and ideas for you to use or lose:)