Braids - Shakespeare's Monkeys

Braids

This is a piece I'm sure I'll revise as I gain more skills, but I'd welcome suggestions for strenthening it now.

i comb your fine spun hair

feel my mother brushing mine

partition into threes

recall her mother’s partitioning

cross left over middle,

muse matriarchs and daughters

cross right over middle

weave waves through lifetimes

i am the storyteller,

and i tell of all the she’s . . .

of she who marched for justice

she of justice all her own and

she who communed spirits

she who drank her spirits down

she the child orphaned at birth

she who birthed a tribe

she who kneaded daily bread, and

she who hung accused in Salem

she who left her father’s land

she who landed on firm ground

she of loneliness echoing forth and

she holding forth with elastic bands.

you pull from the quickness of my fingers

dance your magic in the sun

i smile and imagine the

passing of moons, and smooth hands

plaiting the coarse of grey, lusterless hair

my own stories fading into the cells of you

to be woven into generations.

Comments

Melden Fred Associate, 1848 posts	on June 28 2007 Damn! Wonderful vision! The writing will have to improve greatly to match it, but the effort and time will be well worthwhile. Let’s begin w/S1: I think the even-numbered lines should be italicized, and they should be a unified rumination. (by the way, the indents did not translate to all the lines.) Taking those lines, they begin with your actions (feel / recall / muse) but end with “weave”. It seems to me that the “matriarchs and daughters” are the ones weaving the waves, and I thus suggest, “weaving waves through lifetimes”. “Partition” sounds unpoetic, but to make it work in the 3rd line, substitutes like “part” or “divide” don’t work. You might consider “bundling” I really am not satisfied with that either, but I can’t think of a really good word right now. I believe on L1, it should be “fine-spun”. You might consider changing L5 & & to simply “left over middle” “right over middle”. In the end, you could have the even-numbered lines – the reflective ones – be longer, more thoroughly worded, and the odd-numbered ones short, cursory. S2: Begin stronger by eliminating the “and”. Make it sound like a vision, a proclamation: “I am the storyteller / who tells of all the shes... / the shee who...(etc)”. L7: Don’t get trapped by you own form. It’s not necessary to continue throughout with the “she” beginnings: “the child she orphaned at birth”. L12: I suggest “firmer” for a couple of reasons – rhythm and comparative w/previous line. L13: Again, “the lonely she who echoed forth”. I would also eliminate the “and” at the end of the line. S3: I get all choked up here. A sign of modernity’s loss is that tears do not stain web pages as they do paper. L3-4. I think the “the” should begin L4. I’m curious why you chose “coarse of grey” rather than merely “coarse, grey”. I hope you don’t consider this logorrhea excessive, and I hope it’s been of help. I’m saving this on my computer to compare with after your edit. Really, really nice. Alcuin
Leanne Hansonfrom Just west of the lounge room Associate, 3708 posts	on June 29 2007 Julie, I am not in the right headspace to properly critique this now but I wanted to let you know that it's outstanding -- you're right, it's not perfected yet, but it will be, and it will be great. The concept is brilliant. I will come back, I promise.
Rice Janelle 35 posts	on June 29 2007 Breathtaking! It brought tears to my eyes--which says to me, you have a beautiful piece here, even before you do all the fine tuning. One part that confused me though, and I had to re-read was: "i comb your fine spun hair feel my mother brushing mine partition into threes recall her mother’s partitioning" I hear "you" speaking, but then who is "her"-who is recalling her mother? Is it you? Recalling your own mother braiding your hair as you are braiding your daughters? I agree that partition doesn't fit quite right there... and not so much twice in one stanza. I will have to ponder that and see if I can think of another word that may work... Beautiful, though! I love it and look forward to watching it develop!
Julie herselffrom Here and There 302 posts	on June 29 2007 Thank you so much for all the thoughtful, touching comments. The partitioning IS a challenge. I thesaurused it, thought on it, and still didn't come up with anything better. I hoped it would work because we seperate the braids, 'part' hair, and there's a double meaning of my grandmother's partitioning - which isn't really important to the poem, but just is. Hopefully the right word will pop up from the ethers . . . I would love to find a way to make the lines or stanza's weave a bit, or have the effect of a braid . . . but couldn't sort that out either!!!
Stephan Ansteyfrom Lowell, MA Associate, 6232 posts	inspired from White_Feather on June 29 2007 Hey, if you want a visual effect of braids, you could try something like: Xxxxx xxx xxx xxxxx xxxxx xxx xxxxx xxxx xxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxx xxxxxx xxxxx xxxx xxxxxx xxxxxx xxxxxx xxxx xxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxx xxxxxx Xxxxx xxx xxx xxxxx xxxxx xxx xxxxx xxxx xxxx xxxxx xxxxx xxxx xxxxxx xxxxx xxxx xxxxxx xxxxxx xxxxxx Where you do three words, a few spaces (5-10), a word, then same number of spaces, then 3 words, and next line 2, 2, 2 -- next line 1, 3, 1, and so forth. It'd offer a visual simulation of a braid and still be a very loose form to work with. (you might also center it when you're done, that'd probably help the effect alone) stephan
Julie herselffrom Here and There 302 posts	inspired from White_Feather on June 29 2007 Oh wow! I'll try that out!
Leanne Hansonfrom Just west of the lounge room Associate, 3708 posts	on June 29 2007 Have you thought of "parting" instead of "partitioning"?
Julie herselffrom Here and There 302 posts	on Jul. 5 2007 Everytime I go to work on this piece, nothing better seems to come. Even in the midst of a creative phase! How absolutely frustrating . . . And thanks, Leanne, parting is better. Amazing how the answer can be so simple, in fact, it usually is.