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Damn! Wonderful vision! The writing will have to improve greatly to match it, but the effort and time will be well worthwhile.
Let’s begin w/S1: I think the even-numbered lines should be italicized, and they should be a unified rumination. (by the way, the indents did not translate to all the lines.) Taking those lines, they begin with your actions (feel / recall / muse) but end with “weave”. It seems to me that the “matriarchs and daughters” are the ones weaving the waves, and I thus suggest, “weaving waves through lifetimes”. “Partition” sounds unpoetic, but to make it work in the 3rd line, substitutes like “part” or “divide” don’t work. You might consider “bundling” I really am not satisfied with that either, but I can’t think of a really good word right now. I believe on L1, it should be “fine-spun”. You might consider changing L5 & & to simply “left over middle” “right over middle”. In the end, you could have the even-numbered lines – the reflective ones – be longer, more thoroughly worded, and the odd-numbered ones short, cursory.
S2: Begin stronger by eliminating the “and”. Make it sound like a vision, a proclamation: “I am the storyteller / who tells of all the shes... / the shee who...(etc)”. L7: Don’t get trapped by you own form. It’s not necessary to continue throughout with the “she” beginnings: “the child she orphaned at birth”. L12: I suggest “firmer” for a couple of reasons – rhythm and comparative w/previous line. L13: Again, “the lonely she who echoed forth”. I would also eliminate the “and” at the end of the line.
S3: I get all choked up here. A sign of modernity’s loss is that tears do not stain web pages as they do paper. L3-4. I think the “the” should begin L4. I’m curious why you chose “coarse of grey” rather than merely “coarse, grey”.
I hope you don’t consider this logorrhea excessive, and I hope it’s been of help. I’m saving this on my computer to compare with after your edit.
Really, really nice.
Alcuin
Let’s begin w/S1: I think the even-numbered lines should be italicized, and they should be a unified rumination. (by the way, the indents did not translate to all the lines.) Taking those lines, they begin with your actions (feel / recall / muse) but end with “weave”. It seems to me that the “matriarchs and daughters” are the ones weaving the waves, and I thus suggest, “weaving waves through lifetimes”. “Partition” sounds unpoetic, but to make it work in the 3rd line, substitutes like “part” or “divide” don’t work. You might consider “bundling” I really am not satisfied with that either, but I can’t think of a really good word right now. I believe on L1, it should be “fine-spun”. You might consider changing L5 & & to simply “left over middle” “right over middle”. In the end, you could have the even-numbered lines – the reflective ones – be longer, more thoroughly worded, and the odd-numbered ones short, cursory.
S2: Begin stronger by eliminating the “and”. Make it sound like a vision, a proclamation: “I am the storyteller / who tells of all the shes... / the shee who...(etc)”. L7: Don’t get trapped by you own form. It’s not necessary to continue throughout with the “she” beginnings: “the child she orphaned at birth”. L12: I suggest “firmer” for a couple of reasons – rhythm and comparative w/previous line. L13: Again, “the lonely she who echoed forth”. I would also eliminate the “and” at the end of the line.
S3: I get all choked up here. A sign of modernity’s loss is that tears do not stain web pages as they do paper. L3-4. I think the “the” should begin L4. I’m curious why you chose “coarse of grey” rather than merely “coarse, grey”.
I hope you don’t consider this logorrhea excessive, and I hope it’s been of help. I’m saving this on my computer to compare with after your edit.
Really, really nice.
Alcuin
by Alcuin of York on June 28 2007