Fighting for Limbs

I cannot keep these limbs today.
              I fail to take the world in hand,
as all control is lost to me
                on all nothings concrete (mine).

Those toes are a separate world
from “my” chest, “my” back.
Two worlds now enemies--
                I watch the battle scene.

I fight (I lose)
              for comfort. for justice.
I lose. Forfeit of the toes. (The
                conquering silence.)

Consciousness is loose to me,
a vague interpretation
                of what’s attached to this
(almost) movement.

Appearance (my) remains in place
to the eyes it paints yesterday.
And as surely as I’ll fall asleep and wake
                ~~with my own soul through my bones~~
I’ll be my own just moments more,
                tears a (mere) disguise,
as long as poems lie.

Desde debajo -

Leanne... Austin... I need you on this one.

Anstey -

Why are the "My"'s in quotes?

the 'any feelings' seems a bit off to me, i wanted to continue to staccatto effect you had and just read 'for feeling.'

-----

stephan

Leanne -

Annie... I feel cold. Not cold as in indifferent, cold as in frostbitten. The overall detachment, or maybe enforced disassociation, is quite intense. I like the out-of-body notion you've built with the parentheses -- I actually think you could replace the inverted commas "my" with parentheses also. This will add just as much emphasis, I think, but may remove that confusion that Stephan mentions.

In the fourth strophe you could probably lose the my. In other words, I'd say just run it as:

Consciousness is loose to me,
a vague interpretation
of what's attached to
(almost) movement.

You've already said me earlier on, you don't really need the extra my.

Also in the last line, I would suggest just sure instead of surely. Surely sounds too stilted there, and a bit too proper, it's just not required even though it's grammatically correct. We do bad things with grammar anyway, one more isn't going to hurt.

I don't know if you've noticed, but the first strophe has a really solid rhythm which I won't suggest carrying through the whole poem (it's not required) BUT it would be a shame to lose it on the last line. So, is there any way you can replace "things" with a two syllable word, something that accents the first syllable like "objects" only maybe not objects because that might not be the best word...

But stop worrying, you don't need help THAT badly

Desde debajo -

hey thanks for the help, i wasn't very confident in this one. i fixed a few things... i think i fixed them effectively, but i'm not sure. i left the "my"s because when i wrote it initially, they were the first step into the actual disassociation the poem was about and it was supposed to go along with how more is lost as the poem goes on. anyway, that's my reasoning for those. everything else i totally agreed with! let me know if you see anything else