 Melden Fred Associate, 1848 posts |
A couple of suggestions. Lines 5 & 6 don’t match. One possibility is to change “upon warm” to “warming”. There is a general rule about avoiding –ing words, but that usually refers to gerunds. The other suggestion is the “that runs through”. Nothing wrong with it, but nothing particularly impressive. How about giving us something more descriptive – tell us they hurtle through, or gurgle through, or dance through. I notice you have trouble with rhyme / meter-type poems. You seem to have had no trouble with this one. It’s very nice. I certainly don’t want you to avoid rhyme or meter – expanding our talents is good for us – but you’re much better at this for now. It’s compact, says a lot, and is full of rich imagery. Alcuin |
 Julie herselffrom Here and There 302 posts |
I think that was almost a compliment - coming from you, it really means something. Thank you. Yes, this style is easier for me, but I admire the skill and mastery in meters and forms to create such powerful pieces, so I'm going to keep plugging away at it till it clicks. |
Melden Fred Associate, 1848 posts |
Yes, it was indeed a compliment. I suggest you write what you do best, adding in rhyming and / or metered works occasionally. Some of the rhymes can be internal in an otherwise unrhymed piece. I guess what I'm saying is step into the shallow end of the pool first, and gradually develop rhyme and meter as you improve what you do well. In time, the two will meld into something I'm sure will prove spectacular. I started oppositely - rhyming and metering, learning later to appreciate the qualities and factors of free verse. But that's my own mind's ear; you will contribute in your way. Alcuin |
 Stephan Ansteyfrom Lowell, MA Associate, 6232 posts |
Alcuin of York: It's very funny -- but I perceive Alcuin to be one of the most complimentary people on the site. It's just that the compliments are often couched in helpful ideas and wry understatement. As is usually the case, I agree with Alcuin on matters poetic. It is more important to keep writing and keep developing than forcing some issue to prove some point. Keep at the meter and rhyme, but don't deprive us of your specialty. -----
|
Julie herselffrom Here and There 302 posts |
Yes, absolutely, Alcuin rocks! I was teasing him with my own understatement, but his advice is invaluable and deeply appreciated. |
More in The Treasure Chest
Southern Exposure
happy summer!
in the south lodge
shadows no longer
veil the dark valley
solstice sun blazes
upon warm sandstone
illuminating crystalline waters
that run through
how can I be afraid?
- Julie herself
on June 21 2007
from Here and There
Invite participants
Share at Facebook
Share at Twitter
Share at LinkedIn
Reference this page- Monitor
- Recent files
- See also
- » Jun 2007 (309 pages)
- » Week of 06/18/07 (123 pages)