Southern Exposure

A couple of suggestions. Lines 5 & 6 don’t match. One possibility is to change “upon warm” to “warming”. There is a general rule about avoiding –ing words, but that usually refers to gerunds. The other suggestion is the “that runs through”. Nothing wrong with it, but nothing particularly impressive. How about giving us something more descriptive – tell us they hurtle through, or gurgle through, or dance through.
I notice you have trouble with rhyme / meter-type poems. You seem to have had no trouble with this one. It’s very nice. I certainly don’t want you to avoid rhyme or meter – expanding our talents is good for us – but you’re much better at this for now. It’s compact, says a lot, and is full of rich imagery.
Alcuin