 Paradiso, Tracey Associate, 1902 posts |
I'm not a resident expert on the form so I can't tell you for sure if it fits the bill. What I can tell you is I think this works beautifully. Your ear for the most subtle of rhymes is excellent. Plus, you've painted an age-old story in a new and refreshing way. |
 Julie herselffrom Here and There 302 posts |
Thank you Tracey. I'm really in love with Eve right now in all her feminine humanity. |
 Leanne Hansonfrom Just west of the lounge room Associate, 3708 posts |
The more I look at this, the more I like your interpretation of the form. Strictly speaking, it shouldn't just be the consonant sound that's repeated as you've done in a few of your lines, but rather the entire syllable sound -- and yet yours work, particularly with the longer, softer consonant sound of d. The "sweet/teasing" also works because you've essentially reversed the syllable sound from "eet" to "tee" and it's an extremely interesting effect. As for the words themselves, they're quite excellent. Personally, though I quite like the myth of the garden, I absolutely despise the spin that's been put on it -- fancy making it a sin to want to use your brain. It's like taking on a job for the mafia... just don't ask any questions and we'll get along fine... I think Eve should be celebrated for using her initiative, quite frankly. What was God hiding that he didn't want her to find out? They call it innocence, but it's ignorance, and that's the real sin in my eyes. But I'm a heathen and definitely not going to that eternal dullness. There was another period in history where the Church insisted that only the clergy could be educated. We call it the Dark Ages.
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Julie herselffrom Here and There 302 posts |
So, to clarify, if I were going to be proper about it . . . the correct rhyme scheme would be like the verse/erstwhile rhyme. Or, dangerous / rustling . . . I too, think that Eve should be celebrated. But what disturbs me more about the traditional story is how it's been used for 1000 plus years to prove the inherent evil of women. I like Eve's brand of evil, though. That makes me a heathen as well . . . but one who is in love with the Divine in a whole different way. What I really wonder is if that apple . . . or peach . . . was really the power to know God directly, through nature and experience . . . rather than the accepted shadow of the divine produced and proclaimed the only acceptible version by the church. |
 Shannon McEwenfrom Canada 463 posts |
I think this is beautiful. ----- Life is what happens while you wait for great things. Life is what happens while you wait for great things. |
More in The Treasure Chest
Origin of Sin
A Connachlonn -- well, maybe . . .
Odiously he slithers seductive verse
Erstwhile my soul sighs such a sacred
dream. Holy what we hunger to know
so I must seize the peach! Dangerous
oscillations of love and desire.
I wrestle casual with the command,
And banquet instead on fruit so sweet
Teasing flesh, tempting nectar, dripping tongue
until we waken, known and naked
catching our beloved’s watchful eye.
Wisening we weep, leaving heaven
Ending all when we reached to know God.
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- Julie herself
on June 14 2007
from Here and There
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