Alcuin of York - Where do I begin? The thoughts show promise, so I will work with you.
1) In S1, who is whispering? Reading it as is, the light is whispering. Is this your intention? If so, OK. If not, it would need rephrasing.
2) “Beckon” is acceptable, but a bit old-fashioned. It sounds too artificial, and if there’s anything you want in this, it’s the sincerity of emotion.
3) Try changing S1L3 to “waken”. Say it the way you have it, and with the substitute. See which sounds better to YOUR ear, and do it that way.
4) S1L4: Who are you appealing to. I’d find a more accurate word to substitute for “appeal”.
5) S2L1: “Dawn showed her way in”. I think the “in” should be in the next line. She isn’t showing her way in, but showing her way [via] waves. The word is correct, but its current placement conveys two possible meanings – can therefore be confused.
6) S2L3: Who was grasping upon your rock? The waves, the Dawn, you, or the newborn? Same problem with S3L1. I really hate to change this part, and I think the problem arises because you have personified some things other than people. “Light beckoned”, and “the light cried”, for examples. If you could depersonify some areas like: “The dawn showed her the way”. That keeps dawn from being someone, and becomes someTHING. Ditto other areas.
7) Another possible aid would be to title this with the name of the baby. That signals to us who the “she” is.
The more I read this, the better I liked it. The rhythm needs a lot of work, but first, let’s get the message through a little more strongly. This is definitely worth working on.
Alcuin
Babymoon - Thank you for your response!
Yes, it is light that is whispering and beckoning… asking to be awakened/born… I understand that “beckon” is an old fashioned term. I have grown a bit fond of it, but am welcome to any suggestions you may have as a replacement. Sounding artificial is definitely not what I am leaning towards here as what’s behind it is very real to me.
Waken is a good choice… I am going to have to chew on that one a bit. I think I may like it better. J
S1L4-the appeal is to me, rather than from me. This is about the labor and birth of my son. Early in the morning, labor gently started-like a small nudge from him asking permission to be born… a quiet appeal. His nature in the womb, and now as an active 5 year old, is more passive than aggressive—for me, at least, it speaks in part of his personality that he is asking, rather than demanding (like, say, my other children might!) to be born. Definitely open to word choice suggestions here! Is there a way that would make that more clear? I have yet to think of an appropriate title, at this time.
S2L1-I may omit this line altogether as I don’t necessarily like it. It’s meant as the morning quietly slipping in, almost unnoticed while this is occurring. I have had a difficult time voicing this. I like mentioning the placement of time-going from night to the early morning, but… Dawn is not meant to be the baby, though I can understand the confusion there, now that I re-read it. Maybe just mention of the morning creeping in, in some respect, without the personification?
S2L3- would be me grasping the rock… how about “I, Grasping upon my rock”? Hmmmm…
Personification of light, the sea/waves and the rock are needed for me… the light being my baby, the sea and the waves representation of the labor and my rock was my husband who truly was a foundation for me. I appreciate you saying this is worth working on! I have struggled with it, so truly appreciate any help/suggestions. I will revisit this tomorrow, when it is not so late and I am not suffering from tired Mommy brain J
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