More in The Awakening of Thomas Jacob
The Awakening of Thomas Jacob
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Where do I begin? The thoughts show promise, so I will work with you.
1) In S1, who is whispering? Reading it as is, the light is whispering. Is this your intention? If so, OK. If not, it would need rephrasing.
2) “Beckon” is acceptable, but a bit old-fashioned. It sounds too artificial, and if there’s anything you want in this, it’s the sincerity of emotion.
3) Try changing S1L3 to “waken”. Say it the way you have it, and with the substitute. See which sounds better to YOUR ear, and do it that way.
4) S1L4: Who are you appealing to. I’d find a more accurate word to substitute for “appeal”.
5) S2L1: “Dawn showed her way in”. I think the “in” should be in the next line. She isn’t showing her way in, but showing her way [via] waves. The word is correct, but its current placement conveys two possible meanings – can therefore be confused.
6) S2L3: Who was grasping upon your rock? The waves, the Dawn, you, or the newborn? Same problem with S3L1. I really hate to change this part, and I think the problem arises because you have personified some things other than people. “Light beckoned”, and “the light cried”, for examples. If you could depersonify some areas like: “The dawn showed her the way”. That keeps dawn from being someone, and becomes someTHING. Ditto other areas.
7) Another possible aid would be to title this with the name of the baby. That signals to us who the “she” is.
The more I read this, the better I liked it. The rhythm needs a lot of work, but first, let’s get the message through a little more strongly. This is definitely worth working on.
Alcuin
1) In S1, who is whispering? Reading it as is, the light is whispering. Is this your intention? If so, OK. If not, it would need rephrasing.
2) “Beckon” is acceptable, but a bit old-fashioned. It sounds too artificial, and if there’s anything you want in this, it’s the sincerity of emotion.
3) Try changing S1L3 to “waken”. Say it the way you have it, and with the substitute. See which sounds better to YOUR ear, and do it that way.
4) S1L4: Who are you appealing to. I’d find a more accurate word to substitute for “appeal”.
5) S2L1: “Dawn showed her way in”. I think the “in” should be in the next line. She isn’t showing her way in, but showing her way [via] waves. The word is correct, but its current placement conveys two possible meanings – can therefore be confused.
6) S2L3: Who was grasping upon your rock? The waves, the Dawn, you, or the newborn? Same problem with S3L1. I really hate to change this part, and I think the problem arises because you have personified some things other than people. “Light beckoned”, and “the light cried”, for examples. If you could depersonify some areas like: “The dawn showed her the way”. That keeps dawn from being someone, and becomes someTHING. Ditto other areas.
7) Another possible aid would be to title this with the name of the baby. That signals to us who the “she” is.
The more I read this, the better I liked it. The rhythm needs a lot of work, but first, let’s get the message through a little more strongly. This is definitely worth working on.
Alcuin
by Alcuin of York on June 5 2007