Choosing the Middle

Her flaming hair glowed in the circus tent
Like a bonfire of celebration
Her draping robe flowing from her body
As freely as butterfly wings fluttering
"Welcome to my carnival!" she exclaimed.
Then she shuffled three cups before my eyes,
One shimmered silver, one dull gray and one the truest of blues.
Under and over, round and round.

"Go" she whispered like a secret birthday wish
And because silver hurt my eyes,
And the dull gray chose not to be wanted,
I chose,
I chose the middle, the blue.

Breathlessly I waited.
Her green eyes glittering were a deep lake in the sunshine,
Holding a knowing secret.
She removed the plastic
Revealing my prize
A golden ring,
Beyond the dime-store type.
So I grabbed it and I flew,
My choice securely on my finger.

Years later,
I still think of her
Her bonfire, her wings,
Her plastic, cup game of choices
Her words of "go,"
Her deep inviting lake, with her knowing secret,
And on my finger, my choice remains.

Shannon McEwen -
First off I really like this, the image holds strong in my head.

Suggestions:

Stanza 1 L2 - get rid of "Like", I think it make the image even stronger when you see it as and not like.

In L2 and L3 how about combining, something like "Her draping robe flowing free butterfly wings fluttering

Stanza 2

I love.

Stanza 3 L1 In breathlessly, How about just using breathless? L2 - I think you could remove a couple of words and say something like "The Green of her eyes a glittering deep lake in the sunshine"

Suggestions aside, I love this poem Ellen and look forward to reading more.-----Life is what happens while you wait for great things.

Life is what happens while you wait for great things.

Anstey -

technically, in the last stanza isn't it just 'her word, "Go!"?

-----

stephan

Jen -

I personally like poems that tell a story and this is really good.

I like Shannon's suggestions too.

Leanne -

This is a great idea, and nicely drawn, but the biggest problem I can see is a need for economy. I think you'll find you achieve more with less superfluous words (more punch less tickle). Shannon's already covered a lot of the places that can be tightened up and they're all good suggestions.

You do need to be careful of cliches. Using fluttering and butterfly together, for example, is a bit overdone. So, unfortunately, is the idea of eyes as a lake/sea/pool. "Holding a knowing secret" is awkward -- it makes it sound like it's the secret that knows something, not the holder. These images repeated in the last stanza just don't work for me, because they're not exciting enough.

I really do like the concept of the carnival and the game of chance (it works as a metaphor and an anecdote). Some day I must find out the significance of this blue motif that keeps showing up in Anstey poetry.

Tracey -

I reread this several times because the story is enchanting, and the ending actually makes me want more (in a good way).

I have two thoughts: One, if you're going to keep this as a poem it could be shortened. Shannon already went through here pretty thoroughly, and I think her advice is on target.

Two, I'd love to read this as a short story. I'd love to know why the narrator visited this fortune teller of sorts, what it is about "true blue" and "choosing the middle" that is important to this person, the significance of the ring being worn to this day.

You know what I really like? I like that the person goes to find out her fortune but is made to choose it herself. There's something cool about that.