Birth Day

on May 20 2007

Unfortunately, I don't have the answers to your questions but I can give you a few suggestions.

I think the first stanza is the strongest.  I noticed you often begin a line with “and” “that,” or “I.”  In my opinion these kinds of words weaken the action words and they aren’t needed.  I changed a few things here and there, hope it helps

Here is what you wrote for the first stanza wrote:

“Goddess moon grew round that cold winter’s night

Pulling high the tides of the earth

(And) setting forth the motion of waves

(That) slowly, steadily, rhythmically washed over me.

(I fell to my knees in surrender) – opening, releasing to you.”

Here are my suggestions::

Goddess moon grew round that cold winter’s night

Pulling high the tides of the earth

Setting forth the motion of waves

Slowly, steadily, rhythmically washing over me.

Falling to my knees I surrender – opening, releasing to you.

In the warm waters, the spirit canoe held me

As three wise women worked their magic upon the shore.

The canoe sailed steadfast though the waves, growing in their conviction.

Breathing in their power, watching the moon grew larger,

The veils thinner, as ancestors gathered to bear witness.

Oh, awesome forces pushing me to the edge.

Crying out -- reaching through the veils to catch you;

Tiny, slippery and blue.

Freshly kissed by angels you are here now, at my breast.

Falling back to rest in my ecstasy, relief, and exhaustion

As the canoe gently turns to start the long journey back to shore

on May 22 2007

I think you have asked very good questions here!

First I do think the poem transmits meaning to a larger audience, in a more mysterious way, probably and that is a good thing.

I don't necessarily I think the present tense makes a poem stronger, sometimes it does...it depends. This poem has the feeling of a dream, a memory, and as the symbols seem "mythological" the past tense in the first part seems appropriate to me. The change to the present is as if awakening, and I like that.

I think I like  more of a break after "bear witness" transitioning to another tense... it makes it more dramatic as if stepping to the edge...of the poem.

The centering... I usually prefer not... with this I am less adamant about that... but probably prefer it without.  I would perhaps go through and take out a few "extra" words, but I would be careful to preserve your intended lyricism... the music of the sea, sound of waves is important here, I think.