Aphasic - Most of the suggestions in this place involve cutting stuff out - so, just to be perverse, I wanted to read:
she coughed
and she spluttered
and ponderously uttered
why would...
which would enhance the nursery rhyme feel of the last section - as a contrast to the previous 'cement/grindstone/bone' stanzas, but still reflecting the 'silly girl' context...or am I missing the point completely :>
Derma Kaput - I like it both ways, but I think your alternate version has got an awful lot of charm to it - though I'd probably have to see it in that form to say for sure (as opposed to putting it together in my head.) Go with your gut, have a ball. This is a relatively spare poem to begin with.
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